Published: October 11, 2008 08:27 pm         

It’s nothing to get all exercised about

What constitutes “exercise” depends upon the individual, and it can be as varied as what constitutes “style” or “fashion.” (For some people, fashion includes one pantsleg rolled up or six inches of underwear showing over the top of their pants.)

“Exercise” for some folks involves paying good money to go to the gym several times a week and heaving heavy weights around or going out running so often that eventually there’s no cartilage left in their knees.

The men who worked in the newspaper’s stereotype department — back in the days when hot lead was involved in the printing process — got paid good money to heave 75-pound slabs of curved metal around. You knew who they were. They had forearms that looked like Popeye’s, and you didn’t want to arm-wrestle them.

I played basketball a couple of times a week until I was about 30, when I got tired of being outjumped by 18-year-old kids who were five inches shorter than I was and tore up an ankle because the bottom half of me could no longer move as quickly as the top half.

For the next decade after that, aside from bowling and playing golf, the most exercise I got was lifting beer mugs 12 ounces at a time, cooking large breakfasts on the weekend (pancakes, eggs, sausage, bacon and home fries all at once) and watching exercise shows in the morning. Seeing Denise Austin and Wonder Woman’s sister (whatever her name was) in action could definitely accelerate a guy’s breathing and heart rate.

I never told my then-girlfriend about Denise and WhatsHerName, having learned that the only safe way to behave around her at the mall and other public places was to look either straight ahead or directly at her.

Sometime around age 40, I discovered that the only way I could reach the beer on the small table next to the left-hand side of my easy chair was with my left hand. The arm that was connected to the right hand didn’t want to come around and across far enough to get hold of it. Pain became involved when I tried that.

Dr. Guy Fiscus poked a finger into a spot behind my right shoulder and asked me “Does that hurt?” That was the same question Dr. Leo Ley asked me when I went to find what was wrong with my left knee, and he took hold of my left foot and twisted it.

I gave the both of them the same answer: OUUUUUCCCCCHHHHH!!!, probably followed by one of the colorful Anglo-Saxonisms I learned from my father and grandfather.

“That’s arthritis,” said Dr. Fiscus. Then he said anybody who reaches the age of 40, and doesn’t think he has arthritis, probably has it and just doesn’t realize it. “Exercise will take care of the kind you have,” he added.

So I began to exercise, and the two biggest challenges I’ve had with that are remembering to exercise and not hurting myself while doing it.

This can be a problem. As you get older, you become more fragile. I’ve lost track of the number of folks I know who’ve torn their rotator cuffs (arm and shoulder) or something in their knees. Most of the folks I know who are runners have bad knees and backs.

Like lifting beer 12 ounces at a time, any exercise regimen should be exercised with reason. It took me a few years to figure out which of the exercises that were supposed to strengthen my back were exercises I could do without hurting my back.

There are gadgets that are supposed to help you exercise. One of my former girlfriends bought one of those little round mini-trampolines that you jump on and do exercise routines while watching television. After she got to the place where she could stay on the thing without bouncing off, she found out that it was great for her legs, but using it bored the hell out of her.

I don’t do aerobics. Women and some men apparently enjoy hopping around and waving their arms to music — either alone or in groups — while following the leader, but that doesn’t appeal to me. Even if aerobics class is a good place to meet girls, I’m 60 years old now and would be too tired afterward to do anything about it.

Using light weights is good for you. It keeps your bones and muscles strong. Walking is exceptionally healthful, but you need to watch where you do it ... or at least you should drive around ahead of time and find out where the Rottweilers live. When I went for a walk in my Aunt Penny’s neighborhood, I discovered one that fortunately decided I wasn’t worth chasing.

Here are a few thoughts about exercise that a friend of mine e-mailed me:

The Importance of Exercising

• Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $7,000 per month.

• My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we never know where he is.

• I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

• I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

• I joined a health club last year, spent about $400. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

• The advantage of exercising every day is that when you die, they’ll say, “Well, she looks good, doesn’t she?”

• We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.