Published: November 26, 2006 11:47 am      

Christmas catalogs are worse than gypsy moths

Christmas is coming and not a moment too soon.

At the rate catalogs are arriving at my house, if Christmas were delayed by even so much as a few days, I figure half the forests in the United States would be down to bare ground by the end of the year.

For about two months there, I had a daily income of 10 to 12 catalogs a day, and that’s a low-end estimate. The number of trees that had to die for catalogs this year is shocking, and when you start counting up the duplicate copies (sometimes in the same mail), it’s close to a crime.

Granted, I do a lot of catalog ordering. I was never a great one for running around in the stores. (Running is not a specialty of mine.) I enjoy shopping a lot when I’m looking for something, but otherwise it’s boring. Now that walking in the mall is harder than it used to be (and how do the Mall Walkers stand that hard surface year after year?), I’ve resorted in the last few years to doing my Christmas shopping out of catalogs.

Easier on the feet, though the shipping charges have been known to traumatize.

The other shock is all those catalogs, and not just for me. I suspect most mailpersons are down to skin and bones by now, carrying all that extra weight around. Luckily mine uses a car, but you have to wonder how the intown postal workers manage.

If I put aside these concerns however, I find it quite exciting to shop from catalogs. Don’t tell my family, but I’ve found some interesting things I plan to surprise them with when the time comes; for instance, a game that physically pits two dinosaurs against each other. (Don’t worry, my grandchildren are not either of my two readers). An amusement arcade-style machine that you can maneuver to pick up toys, just like in all the stores. (One granddaughter considers herself the world expert in this life skill.) Books, puzzles, jewelry. (Um, do toe rings count?)

Still, in the stores and in the catalogs, there are always the mind bogglers, the ones that you look at and think to yourself, “Why in the name of all creation would anyone want THAT?”

Like all those faces you put on tree trunks. (Assuming there are any trees left by next year.) This craze got started several years ago, and has exploded since. Now you can not only find generic funny faces to paste onto your tree, but there’s a snowman face, complete with top hat and red scarf, frog and elf faces, dog and cat faces, and assorted tree nymph and nature faces, as if the tree isn’t close enough to nature already. Remind me not to walk in the woods on a dark night.

Whatever Works has a Paw Plunger (D64-039) which you fill with water and then dunk your dog’s soiled paws in to get the dirt off.. This costs $40, and, I know you’ll tell me if I’m wrong, but couldn’t you just use your handy old household basin for the job? For free?

Harmony shows folded silver metal sleeves you slip over old bottles to make vases. The people who can afford them ( $36-$40, #07-0398,) aren’t likely to be the type who save old bottles, so you’d better include the price of a ketchup bottle or two into that total. This company also offers pajamas to match your bed covers (04-0356. $84), which sounds like it might get confusing.

It also shows a pretty girl writing at a table while sitting on a rubber-type ball inside a chair (#95-1004, $99). This is designed for “simple” exercises described in a 16-page guide, and it doesn’t seem likely anyone is going to be doing much paper work, while “strengthening core muscles and improving spinal alignment.” I’m not sure I could even stay upright, on a ball. But then I’m not athletic, especially sitting down.

Collections Etc., wants me to buy a Christmas tree ($15, 83044), with eyes that roll while it sings a “stirring rendition of ’O Christmas Tree.’ ” I don’t think so. Wind & Weather offers a nice sound-controlled flashlight (GR3642, $40) , but wouldn’t you have to put it down to clap your hands two or three times, as required to turn it on? True, it has a string, but still —

Practically everyone is offering banana holders which seems peculiar to me. All the bananas I’ve ever had a personal acquaintance with seemed perfectly happy sitting there on the counter or in a basket, awaiting their doom. They need to be held?

Solutions suggests wine collars (#81140, $10), a two-piece magnetic ring that fits on most wine bottles and stops the drip, assuming that is a problem for you. They also sell infrared thermometers you can take the wine’s temperature with through the side of the bottle, sick or well. (#81153, $25)

Full of Life carries a “Space Saver Portable Sauna” (CN-71800, $360), which apparently fastens under your chin, and “includes pouches to hold your TV remote or mobile phone, a remote control, a folding chair, a convenient storage/travel bag,” all the comforts of home. They also recommend a DayClock (CN-80153, $40), which doesn’t bother you with mundane details like what time it is, but gets down to the nitty-gritty, telling you what day it is. It comes in an oak frame, with noon markers, just in case you can’t tell morning from afternoon.

Then there are all those talking things, watches, timers, blood pressure testers, glucose monitors. Whatever happened to the good old days when your machines didn’t speak until they were spoken to? Next thing you know they’ll be writing out your prescriptions, and maybe even filling them for you.

Not that I’m not OK with that.

Just hold the shipping charges please.

Maude McDaniel is a Cumberland freelance writer. Her column appears on alternate Sundays in the Times-News.