Cumberland Times-News

Columns

July 13, 2014

July gotcha down? Maybe these will help

— •In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m. all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

•A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.

•I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner. I use shampoo in the shower. When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning: “FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME.” No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well, I have gotten rid of that shampoo, and I am going to start showering with Dawn dish soap instead. Its label reads: “DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.”Problem solved! If I don't answer the phone, I'll be in the shower.”

•If a dog barks his head off alone in the forest, is he still a bad dog?

•One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

•What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

•Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.”

The young guy says, “That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.”

The old guy says, “Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?”

The young guy says, “Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom, has long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?'

To which the old guy says, “Doesn't matter — let's look for yours.”

•A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

•A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

•I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

•There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further .

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings. Smokey put in a bid and, because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine. Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: “Oh God, Oh God, forgive me;  what should I do?” And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.

“Repaint! Repaint ! Go and thin no more!”

•The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those, who got there first.

Maude McDaniel is a Cumberland freelance writer. Her column appears on alternate Sundays in the Times-News.

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