Cumberland Times-News

Columns

July 27, 2013

The worse they get, the better they are

If you are like most people, you should avert your eyes and pretend you didn’t see this column. It is full of bad jokes and worse puns. (The worst part of it is that my computer is confused and may have included some jokes you have seen before. I apologize for that.)

However, I happen to like (some) bad jokes and (some) worse puns, and they’re staying in. So you may have to pretend you just didn’t read this column. (My very favorite this time is the Groucho Marx quote. A chap could base a whole career on that one.)

• A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

The guy replies, “I’m Jim, retired Southwest Airline pilot from Houston.” Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.” So Captain Jim goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it’s the priest’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.” Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.”

“Just a minute,” says the good father. “That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?”

Saint Peter says, “Up here — we go by results When you preached — people slept. When he flew, people prayed.”

• “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” Clarence Darrow

• “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” — Moses Hadas

• “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” — William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

• “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” — John Bright

• “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” — Mark Twain

• “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” — Billy Wilder

• “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” — Groucho Marx

• “Mr. Churchill, you’re drunk!” — Lady Astor

“Yes, and you, Madam, are ugly. But tomorrow, I shall be sober. and you, madam. will still be ugly” — Winston Churchill

• King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it.”

“But I paid a million dinars for it,” the King protested. “Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!” Croesus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.

• Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, and so we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

• A man rushed into a busy doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”

• A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more.

On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with — transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

• Back in the 1800’s the Tate’s Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses.

The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression — “He who has a Tate’s is lost!”

• A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, “We have absolutely nothing to go on.”

• A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”

• There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.

This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

• A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.

When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, “Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don’t need enemas.”

Maude McDaniel is a Cumberland freelance writer. Her column appears on alternate Sundays in the Times-News.

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