Cumberland Times-News


July 6, 2014

Better read that french fry before you eat it

People give me otherwise-insignificant items they hope will amuse or inspire me. I appreciate this. I’m always glad for free entertainment, which as Goldy’s Rule 33 says is everywhere. All you have to do is wait and it will come to you. Also, I have been writing columns for 37 years and embrace inspiration anywhere I can find it.

A jeweler friend gave me a piece of cardboard that measures two inches by two inches. He found it in the battery compartment of some electronic contraption.

It says: “REMOVE BEFORE USING.” (Really?) What the e-mail brings often winds up on my walls in Dilbertville, our Times-News cubicle village.

One example is the 2010 Hooters Calendar that contains pictures of 12 different species of owls.

An expertly Photoshopped photo shows Barack Obama as The Tin Man, John McCain as The Scarecrow, Joe Biden as The Cowardly Lion and Sarah Palin as Dorothy. The caption reads: “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Alaska any more.”

I have provided several folks copies of a photo that shows John Wayne in the most magnificent of all 10-gallon hats, vest and blue double-breasted shirt, with a pistol stuck in his belt and a neckerchief around his neck.

The Duke is standing with his hands on his hips in front of a huge American flag and is saying, “Now just why in the HELL do I have to press ‘1’ for English?”

I have a copy of tasting instructions issued to judges who decided the roster of Five Flavor Life Savers. Part of it reads like this: —————
Mouth Maneuvers

When sampling Life Savers, roll the candy piece around in your mouth to allow your taste buds to appreciate the finer qualities of that particular flavor.

Not everyone eats a
Life Savers candy the same way. 19% of consumers bite their Life Savers while 74% suck them. Others try to stick their tongue in the hole.

Feel free to eat
Life Savers candies whichever way you prefer. ————— My lunch occasionally includes soup in a microwaveable container. Some of it is pretty good, like the chunky sirloin burger with country vegetables that I am about to polish off, even as we speak.

Folks with more cultured tastes might turn up their noses at that, but cultured tastes usually are expensive tastes. I grew up abject middle-class and have inexpensive tastes.

One member of The Famous Company of Myrtle Beach Golfers was celebrating a birthday. He ordered a jug of Dom Perignon that cost him $125 and was big enough for all eight of us to have two glasses.

I didn’t tell him it tasted a lot like the stuff I bought when I craved cheap white wine, only it had more bubbles ... which meant I liked it.

The label on microwaveable soup containers bears a wealth of information. Some of it is useful, like how long to nuke it.

The one I’m eating from also informs the eater/reader, “CAUTION (in red letters):
Metal edges are sharp. Bowl and soup are HOT after heating.” No (fooling), Sherlock.

Text Only
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