Cumberland Times-News

Columns

July 6, 2014

Better read that french fry before you eat it

People give me otherwise-insignificant items they hope will amuse or inspire me. I appreciate this. I’m always glad for free entertainment, which as Goldy’s Rule 33 says is everywhere. All you have to do is wait and it will come to you. Also, I have been writing columns for 37 years and embrace inspiration anywhere I can find it.



A jeweler friend gave me a piece of cardboard that measures two inches by two inches. He found it in the battery compartment of some electronic contraption.



It says: “REMOVE BEFORE USING.” (Really?) What the e-mail brings often winds up on my walls in Dilbertville, our Times-News cubicle village.



One example is the 2010 Hooters Calendar that contains pictures of 12 different species of owls.



An expertly Photoshopped photo shows Barack Obama as The Tin Man, John McCain as The Scarecrow, Joe Biden as The Cowardly Lion and Sarah Palin as Dorothy. The caption reads: “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Alaska any more.”



I have provided several folks copies of a photo that shows John Wayne in the most magnificent of all 10-gallon hats, vest and blue double-breasted shirt, with a pistol stuck in his belt and a neckerchief around his neck.



The Duke is standing with his hands on his hips in front of a huge American flag and is saying, “Now just why in the HELL do I have to press ‘1’ for English?”



I have a copy of tasting instructions issued to judges who decided the roster of Five Flavor Life Savers. Part of it reads like this: —————
Mouth Maneuvers

When sampling Life Savers, roll the candy piece around in your mouth to allow your taste buds to appreciate the finer qualities of that particular flavor.



Not everyone eats a
Life Savers candy the same way. 19% of consumers bite their Life Savers while 74% suck them. Others try to stick their tongue in the hole.



Feel free to eat
Life Savers candies whichever way you prefer. ————— My lunch occasionally includes soup in a microwaveable container. Some of it is pretty good, like the chunky sirloin burger with country vegetables that I am about to polish off, even as we speak.



Folks with more cultured tastes might turn up their noses at that, but cultured tastes usually are expensive tastes. I grew up abject middle-class and have inexpensive tastes.



One member of The Famous Company of Myrtle Beach Golfers was celebrating a birthday. He ordered a jug of Dom Perignon that cost him $125 and was big enough for all eight of us to have two glasses.



I didn’t tell him it tasted a lot like the stuff I bought when I craved cheap white wine, only it had more bubbles ... which meant I liked it.



The label on microwaveable soup containers bears a wealth of information. Some of it is useful, like how long to nuke it.



The one I’m eating from also informs the eater/reader, “CAUTION (in red letters):
Metal edges are sharp. Bowl and soup are HOT after heating.” No (fooling), Sherlock.

Text Only
Columns
  • Folck's Mill 3 D.jpg City threatened by hostile army during Civil War

    July 29, 2014 1 Photo

  • Sleep under the stars! Be a game warden!

    July 27, 2014

  • He was here long before Duck Dynasty

    July 27, 2014

  • Very first memories of a very long life

    July 27, 2014

  • FSU Planetarium has new outreach program

    Several years ago, the FSU planetarium acquired an iPad. Months later, we purchased an iPad projector with necessary cables. I purchased a number of astronomical apps this year for the iPad. So I’m interested in visiting schools in this county to teach the stars and planets to classes. The astronomical apps allow you to survey the current evening night sky and show the planets, bright stars and star groups. One of the apps shows the planets close up with wonderful surface detail (as if you were cruising by in a spaceship). The apps I’ll be using can be purchased from the iTunes app store for a few dollars.

    July 27, 2014

  • O’s, Pirates will be buyers, but when?

    Not that we should expect any blockbuster deals to go down as Thursday’s non-waiver trade deadline approaches, but the names you hear in Baltimore are catcher Kurt Suzuki and starting pitchers Ian Kennedy, A.J. Burnett and Jorge De La Rosa.

    July 27, 2014

  • Expectations too high for a rehabbing Woods

    July 27, 2014

  • Peanuts and Cracker Jack beat any foam finger

    Times have changed, and for the better, as this week marks the third year in a row NFL training camps have opened and have not taken center stage in the cities of Baltimore, Pittsburgh and Washington. That, of course, is due to the play of the three baseball teams that inhabit said cities, the Orioles, the Pirates and the Nationals — two of whom hold first place in their respective divisions, with the other one entering play on Wednesday just 2 1/2 games out of first.

    July 23, 2014

  • Big loophole Big loophole

    How ironic — and how sad — that the Potomac Highlands Airport Authority plans a closed executive session to discuss the open meetings law.

    July 23, 2014 1 Photo 1 Story

  • Don’t do it. Don’t do it

    Temperatures have been moderate recently but are projected to rise to the upper 80s and low 90s later this week, so we want to remind you: Never leave children unattended in a vehicle.

    July 21, 2014 1 Photo