It is time for another edition of Goldy’s Rules.
They include Rules I recently thought up or heard about, plus some I have long abided by and only now remembered.
If a few seem familiar, it’s because I’ve already used them in columns that I wrote since the last set of Rules appeared. I included those for the sake of continuity and also for reasons that are explained in Rule 95 and Rule 95a.
Italicized attributions or explanations are added where appropriate.
Rule 122: Considering the number of ideologues in the Republican Party and the magnitude of their extremism, it is hard to understand why there aren’t more Democrats. Rule 122b: Considering the number of ideologues in the Democratic Party and the magnitude of their extremism, it is hard to understand why there aren’t more Republicans.
Rule 123: Don’t go looking for reasons to be offended. You may find more than you bargained for, and most of them won’t be real to anyone but you.
Rule 124: If something is meant to happen, it will happen when it is supposed to happen, and not before — particularly if it is something good. (Ecclesiastes 3:1 ... “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven.”)
Rule 125: It is possible to be friends, and nothing more, with someone of the opposite sex. If you look at such folks solely as targets of opportunity, you eliminate by half your pool of potential friends — and you can never have enough friends. (My parents.)
Rule 126: Whoever designed this (four-word Anglo-Saxonism) ought to have it (put in a place where it the sun will never shine upon it). (Goldsworthy family saying that’s at least three generations old.)
Rule 127: Just because I’m laughing, that doesn’t mean I think it’s funny. Sometimes, that’s the only defense.
Rule 128: Your best friends are those who give you reasons to smile and laugh that will remain with you for the rest of your days.
Rule 129: What you do might not be as important as the reason you do it.
Rule 130: I refuse to join the debate as to whether humans are descended from apes. I have, however, seen considerable evidence to suggest that at least some humans are descended from jackasses.
Rule 131: The difference between complaining and griping is simple: Complaining involves the expectation (or at least the hope) that somebody will do something about the problem. With griping, there is no such expectation.
Rule 132: Those who seek to climb the corporate ladder should understand that a noose and a trapdoor may be waiting for them at the top.
Rule 133: If you’re going to fantasize, fantasize about something you know will never happen. It’s much safer that way.
Rule 134: Nobody ever went broke because he understimated the intelligence of the American people. (Attributed to H.L. Mencken.)
Rule 135: The things a woman does that a man doesn’t understand, she does for three reasons — the reason she gives, the reason she thinks, and the real reason ... which she herself may not understand. (Source unknown.)
Rule 136: Never let them know everything you’ve got ... until it’s time to do otherwise. Then hit them hard, in a way they don’t expect it (what in the military is called “violence of action). Even then, don’t use any more of it than you need to get the job done.
Rule 137: Courage is not the absence of fear, but the willingness to do what you must, regardless of the circumstances and any reluctance you may have ... especially if you can smile while you’re doing it. (Numerous sources, many of which are worded differently ... but all mean the same thing.)
Rule 138: Never ask a woman you don’t know when she is expecting ... because she might not be. (I haven’t done this, but I’ve seen it happen, and it gets real ugly, real fast.)
Rule 139: I’d like to have the money to buy an elephant. I don’t particularly want an elephant — and have no use for it. I’d just like to have the money it would take to buy one. (With thanks to W.C. Fields, who said “Women are like elephants. They’re nice to look at, but I wouldn’t necessarily want to own one.”)
Rule 140: Painting “Titleist” on a spheroid of horse manure doesn’t turn it into a golf ball.
Rule 141: Some folks are more offended by the fact that some people are rich than they are by the fact that some people are poor. (Margaret Thatcher.)
Rule 142: We hear a lot about what it takes to attract “the brightest and the best.” I would rather have “competent, intelligent and possessing of common sense.” It’s easier to find, costs less and is less temperamental and more reliable.
Rule 143: If you teach a politically correct, but distorted and significantly inaccurate or incomplete version of history or anything else, sooner or later people may find out the truth. Then they’ll start wondering how else they were lied to.
Rule 144: When people tell you to behave, or ask if you’re behaving, tell them this: It gets easier every day. (My dad once told me, “Wait ‘till you’re 80, and see how damn easy it gets.”)
Rule 145: Be suspicious of anyone who wants you to put him in the position of being able to tell you what you can and cannot do. That includes anyone who is running for elected office.
Rule 146: Few things should be taken seriously. Rule 146a: Considerable amusement can be derived by observing the confusion or outrage of people who don’t know about Rule 146.
Rule 147: The size of the body does not reflect the size of the person who lives in it.
Rule 148: When you blame other people for your problems, you’re failing to assign any of the fault to the person who’s probably most responsible — yourself.
Rule 149: The only thing a man can understand about women is that he will never understand anything about women. Rule 149b: What he must understand is that he will occasionally find himself in trouble with women — even those with whom he has no romantic involvement — for reasons he cannot understand. Rule 149c: A wise man can use his inability to understand women as a learning tool.
Rule 150: People who have nothing to do invariably gravitate to other people who actually are working so they distract them by talking about meaningless things.
It is time for another edition of Goldy’s Rules.
There’s no place like home, or Hagerstown
It took 40 minutes and was an uphill struggle, but in the end Allegany turned what had been a house of horrors into one full of high fives and joyful celebration.
BJ Curtis fires 795
BJ Curtis rolled a 300 game on his way to a 795 series at White Oaks to lead area scoring. Darren Durbin was just one pin back with 794, also at White Oaks. Troy Smith shot 782 at The Bowler, Cary Lowery had 772 at White Oaks and Aaron Courtney shot 300 on his way to 763 also at White Oaks. Mike Sipple rolled the third 300 of the night in White Oaks Industrial League during a very high scoring week.
If you can sleep well at night, here’s why
One of my companions excused herself and said she wanted to go to the toilet and wash her hands before our lunch arrived.
New ‘Cosmos’ debuts on television tonight
Now that our clocks are on daylight saving time, today’s sunrise and sunset are coming about an hour later than yesterday. Yesterday’s sunrise was about 6:38 a.m.; today’s sunrise is about 7:36 a.m.
Beatles return us to what might have been
Here’s a a free gift from Goldy (to your left), and it should get us going with a good laugh, that both my readers will approve of. Then, after that (fair warning) I am going to turn a little sour.
Gobbler stuff can get crazy
Tough, old bird
The third gobbler I killed was in 1990 while hunting on Pond Hill near McCoole. Relatively early in the morning I sent out a couple yelp calls. Immediately, 75-100 yards away, what sounded like three gobblers got into a fight.
Maybe his name will be on the list some day
Even if you have no idea who Doris “Dorie” Miller was, you may have seen him portrayed an old movie. The audience wasn’t told who he was, but some of us recognized him.
I looked for him on a list of new Medal of Honor recipients and was disappointed not to find him there.
What do these vital measurements mean?
A while back, I wrote a column on how the U.S. has firmly held onto British units that the British themselves have abandoned (inch, pound, quart).
Learning from the Masters
Four 300 games highlighted area scoring this week, with CP Sines and Derek Yates shooting 300 at Rainbow and Troy Cubbage and Larry Gable rolling 300 at White Oaks. Apparently, Larry took my article on home court advantage to heart.
He still walks the floor ... but there’s no floor
Here’s a question you probably never expected to hear:
What’s the strangest thing that ever happened while you were sitting on the toilet?
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