Cumberland Times-News

Columns

January 4, 2014

Not all humans are descended from apes

It is time for another edition of Goldy’s Rules.

They include Rules I recently thought up or heard about, plus some I have long abided by and only now remembered.

If a few seem familiar, it’s because I’ve already used them in columns that I wrote since the last set of Rules appeared. I included those for the sake of continuity and also for reasons that are explained in Rule 95 and Rule 95a.

Italicized attributions or explanations are added where appropriate.

Goldy’s Rules:

Rule 122: Considering the number of ideologues in the Republican Party and the magnitude of their extremism, it is hard to understand why there aren’t more Democrats. Rule 122b: Considering the number of ideologues in the Democratic Party and the magnitude of their extremism, it is hard to understand why there aren’t more Republicans.

Rule 123: Don’t go looking for reasons to be offended. You may find more than you bargained for, and most of them won’t be real to anyone but you.

Rule 124: If something is meant to happen, it will happen when it is supposed to happen, and not before — particularly if it is something good. (Ecclesiastes 3:1 ... “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven.”)

Rule 125: It is possible to be friends, and nothing more, with someone of the opposite sex. If you look at such folks solely as targets of opportunity, you eliminate by half your pool of potential friends — and you can never have enough friends. (My parents.)

Rule 126: Whoever designed this (four-word Anglo-Saxonism) ought to have it (put in a place where it the sun will never shine upon it). (Goldsworthy family saying that’s at least three generations old.)

Rule 127: Just because I’m laughing, that doesn’t mean I think it’s funny. Sometimes, that’s the only defense.

Rule 128: Your best friends are those who give you reasons to smile and laugh that will remain with you for the rest of your days.

Rule 129: What you do might not be as important as the reason you do it.

Rule 130: I refuse to join the debate as to whether humans are descended from apes. I have, however, seen considerable evidence to suggest that at least some humans are descended from jackasses.

Rule 131: The difference between complaining and griping is simple: Complaining involves the expectation (or at least the hope) that somebody will do something about the problem. With griping, there is no such expectation.

Rule 132: Those who seek to climb the corporate ladder should understand that a noose and a trapdoor may be waiting for them at the top.

Rule 133: If you’re going to fantasize, fantasize about something you know will never happen. It’s much safer that way.

Rule 134: Nobody ever went broke because he understimated the intelligence of the American people. (Attributed to H.L. Mencken.)

Rule 135: The things a woman does that a man doesn’t understand, she does for three reasons — the reason she gives, the reason she thinks, and the real reason ... which she herself may not understand. (Source unknown.)

Rule 136: Never let them know everything you’ve got ... until it’s time to do otherwise. Then hit them hard, in a way they don’t expect it (what in the military is called “violence of action). Even then, don’t use any more of it than you need to get the job done.

Rule 137: Courage is not the absence of fear, but the willingness to do what you must, regardless of the circumstances and any reluctance you may have ... especially if you can smile while you’re doing it. (Numerous sources, many of which are worded differently ... but all mean the same thing.)

Rule 138: Never ask a woman you don’t know when she is expecting  ... because she might not be. (I haven’t done this, but I’ve seen it happen, and it gets real ugly, real fast.)

Rule 139: I’d like to have the money to buy an elephant. I don’t particularly want an elephant — and have no use for it. I’d just like to have the money it would take to buy one. (With thanks to W.C. Fields, who said “Women are like elephants. They’re nice to look at, but I wouldn’t necessarily want to own one.”)

Rule 140: Painting “Titleist” on a spheroid of horse manure doesn’t turn it into a golf ball.

Rule 141: Some folks are more offended by the fact that some people are rich than they are by the fact that some people are poor. (Margaret Thatcher.)

Rule 142: We hear a lot about what it takes to attract “the brightest and the best.” I would rather have “competent, intelligent and possessing of common sense.” It’s easier to find, costs less and is less temperamental and more reliable.

Rule 143: If you teach a politically correct, but distorted and significantly inaccurate or incomplete version of history or anything else, sooner or later people may find out the truth. Then they’ll start wondering how else they were lied to.

Rule 144: When people tell you to behave, or ask if you’re behaving, tell them this: It gets easier every day. (My dad once told me, “Wait ‘till you’re 80, and see how damn easy it gets.”)

Rule 145: Be suspicious of anyone who wants you to put him in the position of being able to tell you what you can and cannot do. That includes anyone who is running for elected office.

Rule 146: Few things should be taken seriously. Rule 146a: Considerable amusement can be derived by observing the confusion or outrage of people who don’t know about Rule 146.

Rule 147: The size of the body does not reflect the size of the person who lives in it.

Rule 148: When you blame other people for your problems, you’re failing to assign any of the fault to the person who’s probably most responsible — yourself.

Rule 149: The only thing a man can understand about women is that he will never understand anything about women. Rule 149b: What he must understand is that he will occasionally find himself in trouble with women — even those with whom he has no romantic involvement — for reasons he cannot understand. Rule 149c: A wise man can use his inability to understand women as a learning tool.

Rule 150: People who have nothing to do invariably gravitate to other people who actually are working so they distract them by talking about meaningless things.

 

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