Cumberland Times-News

Columns

October 5, 2013

This will really fix whatever’s ailing you

Testosterone! That’s what I’m talkin’ about right now. And, you can’t stop me. I feel as if I’ve had a shot of the stuff and I’m rarin’ to fight. Because that’s what testosterone often does — makes you want to fight.

And they’re selling it on TV?

Already there’s too much of it around — and now you can get it over the counter?

How long will it be I wonder before armies the world over will uniformly inject their soldiers (male and female) with testosterone, in which case the victory goes to the army with the most testosterone. Expect them to start storing testosterone supplies as they used to store ammunition and assault weapons. Which may be needed more than ever once testosterone gets into the mix. I expect it to start happening any day now — if it hasn’t already.

Here’s what you can expect in the future.

High school nurses equipped with testosterone shots for all the athletic teams, male and female. Hospitals prepared to serve up testosterone for all male patients, as prescribed. (The peacefully inclined ones get double doses, of course.) Female patients, shots available as requested. How about testosterone, suitably modified for young folks, for Little League baseball teams and Peewee football? And cheerleaders too, of course

I bet it’s dynamite when used as prescribed for folks in the caring professions or even business professionals — think about the get-up-and-go you can draw on as a nurse, or a doctor (or even a secretary or a business owner ) with testosterone added into the mix. They’d probably be there for you even before you got sick.

Really, aren’t we missing a good bet when we leave out testosterone for such occasions as performing on stage (heavier drama), preaching (drama in the pulpit, with rousing sermons and military tactics-training in Sunday School?) Car repair? Retail clerks who will knock over bargain shoppers to get to the ones prepared to put out real money right away. In cartoon shows, leave out Snow White and load up on selected Dwarfs and the Ugly Queen?

Maybe a shot of testosterone in every baby bottle (suitably adjusted for age and weight, though not, of course, by gender, for fear of being accused of sexism) should produce young folks capable of fighting and winning hands-down every future war we get into. Except, of course, if the nation we’re fighting also adopts this sure-fire recipe for top-performing troops.

Every president should start regular shots beginning with the oath-taking ceremony, and it probably wouldn’t hurt if his family took them too, so that he would have solid support for war-making decisions when they come up. Likewise for his Cabinet members — you don’t want some dimwit U.S. secretary suddenly talking peace or peaceful tactics when world problems are being decided.

And it wouldn’t be a bad idea to teach some courses to top chefs and Food Channel hosts in the fine art of introducing testosterone into their favorite recipes. Although there might be a slight problem with too many fights on TV or backstage at your favorite restaurant. (Some of those chefs, I suspect, are already taking the shots on a regular basis.) Still it would give you teams to cheer for without having to learn any rules, as one must for watching football or hockey. Actually, most of the popular athletes don’t appear to need testosterone shots to operate business as usual. They seem to manufacture enough of it on their own.

We could start whole new kinds of games — farmers on testosterone could fight each other over who plants the most corn of the year, with the winner getting more testosterone to be up to taking care of it all. With regular testosterone shots, doctors could have pitched battles in hospitals about who gets to treat whom, and nurses could take sides and battle each other for their favorite patients.

And, with all that extra testosterone in my system, if I could only get close enough to them in person, I would possibly assault several of the many salesmen a week who call me to buy another subscription, or to contribute to a good cause. Oh, that testosterone makes a person feisty, I tell you. You just can’t get enough feistiness in this world — without testosterone.

Why, with regular testosterone in my system, I could even fight my dog, though I can’t imagine why. But testosterone requires no good reason. Just identify your subject and the world will supply several “good” reasons a day for all of us to fight each other.

As long as you take your testosterone.

Rusty, put up your dukes!

Maude McDaniel is a Cumberland freelance writer. Her column appears on alternate Sundays in the Times-News.

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