Cumberland Times-News

Columns

October 5, 2013

I know a guy, too!

My phone rings.

“Is this the guy that writes the sports?”

“I don’t write sports, but I write the outdoor column that sometimes appears in the Sports Section,” I say.

“That’s what I mean,” the caller says. “Anyway, I know a guy who knows a guy who saw a tractor trailer full of coyotes come in from Texas and the DNR let them loose at Rocky Gap State Park.”

“What’s the guy’s name?” I ask. “The guy who saw the truck and the coyotes.”

“I don’t know,” the caller says.

“What’s the guy’s name who knows him?”

“Bob.”

“Bob who?”

“I don’t know his last name.”

“How can I get ahold of him to find out the guy’s name who saw the truck and the coyotes?”

“I don’t know that either.”

“What’s your name?”

“Click.”

•••••

Ring.

“I know a guy who knows a guy who has a video of a coyote den where the coyotes brought 14 fawns back for the pups to eat.”

“Did you see the video?”

“No. But this guy I know did.”

“How can I see the video?”

“I don’t know.”

•••••

“I know a guy who knows a guy who shot a coyote with an ear tag that had the name of an insurance company on it.”

“Where can I see the tag?”

“I don’t know.”

•••••

“I know a guy who has a friend who saw a DNR helicopter drop rattlesnakes in little blue parachutes.”

“Do you have any of the parachutes or know where I can see one?”

“No.”

•••••

“I know a guy who has proof that the DNR transplanted bears into Maryland.”

•••••

“I know a guy who knows a guy who has proof that the DNR brought the blue tongue disease into (Maryland, West Virginia, Pennsylvania) to knock the deer herd down.”

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Columns
  • Yates fires 804

    Derek Yates led all scoring for the week ending March 28 with an 804 series featuring a 290 game at Rainbow Lanes.
    Bobby Benton actually came in second and third for the week with a 748 on the House pattern at White Oaks and 742 on the USBC Open pattern in the Sport league. Steve Ravenscroft had a nice 740 at Rainbow and Darren Durbin and Teddy Inman rounded out the scoring with 737s apiece at White Oaks.

    April 24, 2014

  • Wildfires Wildfires

    The huge woods fire in nearby Pennsylvania shows just how much devastation can take place when a blaze breaks out during early spring. In this case, 900 acres of forest — much of it public game land — became engulfed in flames.

    April 23, 2014 1 Photo

  • Restore them Restore them

    There are an estimated 47,000 deceased veterans whose remains are unidentified and unclaimed throughout the U.S. A group of senators and congressmen hope to do something to
    bring these men and women some dignity after death.

    April 20, 2014 1 Photo

  • Happy Easter

    For the world’s more than 2 billion Christians, Easter is the day that defines their faith.
    The exact date of Christ’s resurrection is unknown, and even the precise locations of his crucifixion and burial are uncertain. This hasn’t stopped some people from saying they know the answer to these questions and others from trying to find out for themselves, or simply arguing about it.
     

    April 20, 2014

  • Odds are good that you didn’t know this

    Odds or Probabilities fascinate many people. There is a special website called www.BookOfOdds.com and an accompanying location on Facebook at /BookofOdds .This website lists 400,000 odds. Three of the people who are involved in this media display have coauthored a book, “The Book of Odds” that presents some of key odds, drawing from polls and statistics published in journals. The authors are A. Shapiro, L.F. Campbell and R. Wright. This paperback was published this year by Harper Collins with ISBN 978-0-06-206085-3.

    April 20, 2014

  • Trivial questions you don’t have to answer

    Every so often in this life, my mind, all on its own, generates questions that have no real answers. So I have decided to pass them on to you. I’m tired of them. If you come up with any answers, let me know. Remember when TV jealously guarded the time zone before 9 p.m. for wholesome shows that children could watch. My gosh, how many years ago was that? It seems like another world nowadays, when you can see murders, torture and rape, or those implied, every hour on the hour, somewhere on your public screen. It might be comforting then, to remember that most children nowadays are glued to their little machines with whole different worlds on them, that they can access all day long. Except that in these different worlds they also can view murders, torture and rape on demand.

    April 20, 2014

  • Think it’s not a small world? You’re wrong

    Yes, you read that right in the paper a couple of weeks ago. I covered a wedding as a newspaper reporter. I’ve retired from doing regular stories because my primary duties lie elsewhere, and I don’t have the time or mental energy for it. But I agreed to do it for a couple of reasons, one of which goes back more than 40 years. The former proprietor of The Famous North End Tavern told me about a wedding that was to take place at the Lions Center for Rehabilitation and Extended Care, where his wife works.

    April 20, 2014

  • No Bambi for you, Mrs. Doe

    Some people want so badly for deer birth control to work that they actually think it will, even on wild populations.
    I wish I had a couple bridges to sell.
    A week ago on the Outdoors page we ran the deer there do what deer  everywhere do. They eat the easiest food available such as gardens and ornamental plantings. They walk in front of moving cars. They give ticks and  parasites a place to live.

    April 19, 2014

  • We concur We concur

    We’re certain that Donald Rumsfeld, who served as Secretary of Defense under Presidents Gerald Ford and George W. Bush, echoes what many Americans feel about the complexity of filing income tax returns.
    When he filed his return, Rumsfeld sent the following letter to the Internal Revenue Service:

    April 16, 2014 1 Photo

  • Library week

    Public libraries remain one of the best uses of taxpayer dollars. They are open to all. Young or old, poor or wealthy, residents can use computers and read current magazines and newspapers. Compact discs featuring a wide variety of music and
    movies on DVD may be checked out in addition to novels and other books.

    April 13, 2014