Cumberland Times-News

Columns

October 5, 2013

I know a guy, too!

My phone rings.

“Is this the guy that writes the sports?”

“I don’t write sports, but I write the outdoor column that sometimes appears in the Sports Section,” I say.

“That’s what I mean,” the caller says. “Anyway, I know a guy who knows a guy who saw a tractor trailer full of coyotes come in from Texas and the DNR let them loose at Rocky Gap State Park.”

“What’s the guy’s name?” I ask. “The guy who saw the truck and the coyotes.”

“I don’t know,” the caller says.

“What’s the guy’s name who knows him?”

“Bob.”

“Bob who?”

“I don’t know his last name.”

“How can I get ahold of him to find out the guy’s name who saw the truck and the coyotes?”

“I don’t know that either.”

“What’s your name?”

“Click.”

•••••

Ring.

“I know a guy who knows a guy who has a video of a coyote den where the coyotes brought 14 fawns back for the pups to eat.”

“Did you see the video?”

“No. But this guy I know did.”

“How can I see the video?”

“I don’t know.”

•••••

“I know a guy who knows a guy who shot a coyote with an ear tag that had the name of an insurance company on it.”

“Where can I see the tag?”

“I don’t know.”

•••••

“I know a guy who has a friend who saw a DNR helicopter drop rattlesnakes in little blue parachutes.”

“Do you have any of the parachutes or know where I can see one?”

“No.”

•••••

“I know a guy who has proof that the DNR transplanted bears into Maryland.”

•••••

“I know a guy who knows a guy who has proof that the DNR brought the blue tongue disease into (Maryland, West Virginia, Pennsylvania) to knock the deer herd down.”

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Columns
  • We concur We concur

    We’re certain that Donald Rumsfeld, who served as Secretary of Defense under Presidents Gerald Ford and George W. Bush, echoes what many Americans feel about the complexity of filing income tax returns.
    When he filed his return, Rumsfeld sent the following letter to the Internal Revenue Service:

    April 16, 2014 1 Photo

  • Library week

    Public libraries remain one of the best uses of taxpayer dollars. They are open to all. Young or old, poor or wealthy, residents can use computers and read current magazines and newspapers. Compact discs featuring a wide variety of music and
    movies on DVD may be checked out in addition to novels and other books.

    April 13, 2014

  • Terps need to move and move quickly

    The good news is Maryland will never have to play another basketball game in the Atlantic Coast Conference. Goodbye, good riddance, sayonara, smell ya, no more of you, stay classy, we won’t let the door hit us on the way out.
    Until we see you in court.

    April 13, 2014

  • Sunday hunting Sunday hunting

    Legislation that increases hunting oppportunities on Sundays in Garrett, Allegany and Washington counties has passed the Maryland General Assembly and reached the governor’s desk.

    April 13, 2014 1 Photo

  • You’ll never guess who the real hero was (He was six feet tall and bulletproof)

    Most folks know about the 20th Maine’s bayonet charge that repulsed the Rebels at Little Round Top because they watched the movie, “Gettysburg.”
    Capt. Gary and First Sgt. Goldy post ourselves a hundred yards or so away from where it happened in real life. Tourists frequently ask us how to find it.

    April 13, 2014

  • Early morning lunar eclipse this Tuesday

    For the first time since 2011, our area may see a total lunar eclipse as the moon will pass through the Earth’s deep shadow.

    April 13, 2014

  • Big bucks How many deer on Green Ridge?

    A study completed in 2013 by a master’s degree candidate at the University of Delaware showed that there are 20 to 30 deer per square mile on the Green Ridge State Forest, including some pretty darn nice bucks.

    April 12, 2014 1 Photo

  • Then again, he’s manager of the Yankees, and I’m not

    I went to bed confused Wednesday night, which in itself is nothing new. But having
    watched most of the Orioles-Yankees game, including the final three innings, earlier
    in the evening, then watching the late Baseball Tonight before I turned in, I was under the impression that the Yankees had won the game when I was pretty sure before watching the show that the Orioles had won.

    April 11, 2014

  • Who knows how many times she poisoned him?

    My dad used to say that if tobacco and coffee tasted as good as they smelled, the world would be a better place.

    April 5, 2014

  • Rusty writes about the nature of doghood

    I am a dog.
    Therefore I bark.
    I don’t understand why it is so hard for humans to understand this.
    I mean, there are certain things that come with the territory, right?

    April 5, 2014