Published: April 27, 2007 10:45 am         

Empowered by surviving rape, abuse

For a month that's designed to usher in the lovely colors and fragrant scents of spring, April sure has gotten stuck with some pretty depressing causes.

You see, the problem with delegating a specific cause to one month out of the year - April is both "Child Abuse and Neglect Prevention" and "Sexual Assault Awareness" month - is that it may have the undesirable side effect of causing us to only worry about these social problems for 30 out of 365 days a year.

So while we're pondering these major matters, let's ask: What does she look like, anyway - that third child who's sexually abused? That sixth woman who's raped?

She has blond hair and blue eyes and, come to think of it, she looks quite a lot like me. That's because she is me.

That's funny, because when I look in the mirror, I don't see a victim of either crime. I do see a survivor. I see other things, though, and a stroll down my past history might shed some light on the problems facing us all. Before doing that, it's important to note that experts say there's a link between child abuse and sexual assault. I happen to think they're right.

Was I an abused child? No, but perhaps I was neglected. Not with regard to food, clothing or shelter, but as the child of a "single" mother (since my parents lived apart much of the time) I experienced neglect of another sort. It's the same kind of neglect that many parents exercise, by placing their firstborn in the position of caretaker for the younger siblings. As a result of such "neglect," I was one of at least three siblings who was abused by a child molester. Since my abuse lasted three years, my experience was by far the most serious, and my search for answers took two decades.

How, you might wonder, did it affect me? I can answer that question by "talking shop" about the police beat I cover. Almost every day, a press release crosses my desk, telling the tale of yet another woman who's been battered. Every time, I read the details and wonder what happened to that woman, that left her so vulnerable that she tolerates a relationship where she gets the crap beat out of her. Sometimes I know there is no reason or rationale - and it could be a coincidence - but quite often, it's because she was a victim of another kind of abuse, while still a child.

I say this because of what the experts say: The 1992 report "Rape in America: A Report to the Nation, National Victim Center," says that 60 percent of women who reported being raped were under age 18, with 29-percent of that group being 11 or younger. And anyone who's spent much time working with battered women knows that the experience of childhood abuse can linger on - often in the form of more abuse, by different abusers, down the road.

I know the answer to my own question, for that's what happened to me - twice. Married two different men, many years apart, both of them batterers. It's certainly not that I went looking for a man who would beat the living daylights out of me. It's just that when that man - as he did, in my case - comes looking for you, if your self-esteem is low enough, or even non-existent, you will settle. Settle because you think that's all you're worth.

For the past two years, while speaking publicly about these issues at local colleges or advocacy and awareness programs, I decided to come clean. Years earlier, I spoke about my divorce, and my resultant depression. I did not, however, talk about the Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, the hospitalization, or the years spent searching for an answer. Ironically, though, I found that the more I spoke out, the more the audience was engaged (and hopefully educated) by my story.

I am not the first journalist to speak out about being raped, and I won't be the last. What I do happen to be, though, is comfortable enough to reject the anonymity so many victims choose to live with - for I know I did nothing wrong, and I have nothing to be ashamed of. I long ago decided that little trip down shame lane is best left for the people who truly deserve it - the child molesters, sexual offenders and wife beaters.

Nor am I apt to be the last. Journalist and author Alice Seybold candidly wrote about her rape experience in the book, "Lucky," and The Poynter Institute in 2002 took an in-depth look at the topic of rape. One of the panel members in a discussion about the media's role in reporting rape was actually a photojournalist. So I'm not alone.

Knowing this should help people realize that child abuse, rape or domestic violence doesn't just happen to women on the lower socioeconomic ladder, or to women of a certain color, size or intellect. It also happens to smart, savvy women who have careers and supervise employees, to college-educated women who are doctors, lawyers or scientists. It even happens to mothers and wives. In short, it can - and does - happen to anyone.

So, for anyone who doesn't have a clue, the question might be: What does rape or domestic violence do to you? It makes you stronger. It's kind of like that line from the movie, "Steel Magnolias," where some very strong (female) character says that whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not suggesting you put yourself in harm's way just to become a potential target, because there are other ways to gain strength that are far less painful. But I've learned that when you use what you're given - even if it happens to be something pretty nasty - you'll quickly find yourself on the path to empowerment.

Daleen Berry is a Times-News reporter.