Published: January 12, 2008 08:30 pm         

Be careful of what you chase, because you might catch it.

Be careful of what you chase, because you might catch it.

If you’ve heard the term “beer goggles” and aren’t sure what it means, I will explain.

When a man is in a bar, a dance hall or some other venue where beer is served, and he finds that a particular woman’s attractiveness increases in direct proportion to the number of beers he has consumed, he is said to be “wearing beer goggles.”

This is a phenomenon my friends and I experienced personally during our much younger days. “What were you thinking last night?” was a question we frequently asked each other ... and with great amusement, I might add. There was never a satisfactory answer, and we were all guilty at one time or another.

I have long since decided that, just as we admonish people not to drive after drinking unless they have been drinking responsibly (which is to say they should be pretty damn sober when they drive), neither is it a good idea to chase women when you’ve been drinking.

That’s because you should always be careful of what you ask for, lest you get it. The problem with chasing women or anything else is that sometimes, you actually catch what you are chasing ... and then you are confronted with the dilemma of what to do next.

It is most disconcerting to show up at a girl’s house for your first date and not recognize her when she comes to the door. One time, you can shrug off — but when it happens again, you need to realize there may be a problem. Twice was all I needed.

Being of an inquiring mind, I wondered if this works both ways.

So I asked a young lady friend of mine if she ever wears beer goggles — that is, if guys look better as her beer consumption increases.

“No, they don’t,” she said after what appeared to be several seconds of careful consideration, “but the more beer they buy me, the better I like them.”

Hmmm. That’s how it used to work, back in the day. The idea that women like to have men buy beer or other beverages for them must remain a constant. This would indicate that beer goggles do affect both men and women, but in different ways.

One way to initiate a spirited debate is to suggest that humans are descended from apes or are at least related to them. (My feeling is that some humans are descended from jackasses.)

A recent study by scientists in Singapore lends support to the idea that, related or not, humans and apes frequently engage in similar behavior patterns.

The study found that female macaque monkeys are three times more likely to participate in vigorous acts of mutual friendliness with male monkeys who groom them than they are when the grooming does not take place.

According to The Associated Press, Dr. Michael Gumert’s study also found that a male macaque spends more time grooming female macaques if there are fewer females around, and less time grooming if there is an abundance of females.

This indicates monkeys can adjust their behavior to different “marketing conditions” in a way that mirrors the law of supply and demand that is practiced by humans.

The study is said to help confirm a theory known as “biological markets,” which was first proposed by German researchers Dr. Ronald Noë and Dr. Peter Hammerstein. Hammerstein said, “It is not a rare phenomenon in nature that males have to make some ‘mating effort’ in order to get a female’s ‘permission to mate.’ ” He likened this effort to a “fee” that the male pays.

It would be an unwarranted and thoroughly offensive insult to my friend or any other woman to suggest that her participation in the “biological market” could be bought with beer or any other fee like jewelry, dinner, plasma televisions, fancy apartments or automobiles — particularly when they are more likely to look with favor upon decency, respect, courtesy, friendship, sincerity and a shared sense of humor.

But what we commonly refer to as “urban legend” insists that bribery is what works, and it also makes for good theater. If you believe what you see on TV or in the movies, that is precisely the course human males must pursue if they are to achieve success during their forays into the “biological market.”

One of my favorite movie scenes involves a woman in a fur coat who walks out of a hotel and is confronted by an animal-rights activist who demands, “Do you know how many poor little animals had to die so you could have that coat?”

The woman replies, “Do you know how many rich little animals I had to (join in vigorous acts of mutual friendliness) in order to get it?”

Beer goggles have likewise become part of urban legend — although if The Mythbusters tested them, they would surely render a verdict of “PLAUSIBLE,” if not “CONFIRMED.”

With that in mind, a friend e-mailed me what purports to be a beer advertisement that depicts a young man and a young woman, sitting side by side but not looking at each other.

The accompanying text goes like this:

——————

She told me we couldn’t afford beer anymore and that I would have to quit.

Then I caught her spending $65 for makeup.

I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn’t.

She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don’t think she’s coming back ... .