Jim Goldsworthy, Columnist
Cumberland Times-News
February 02, 2008 08:05 pm
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What some folks call Sarge’s Rules of Combat holds that “Friendly fire isn’t” and “Suppressive fire won’t.”
A civilian version might say, “Sanitary sewers aren’t.” (If you need to have that explained, tune into “Dirty Jobs” with Mike Rowe at 9 p.m. Tuesdays on the Discovery Channel.)
Experience has also taught me that “Express checkout lanes aren’t.” The people who thought up the concept meant well, but reality sometimes gets in the way of good intentions.
A couple of TV commercials are based on the premise that you can get through any checkout line more quickly and efficiently, thereby speeding up the flow of consumers, by merely swiping a card through a card-reader. The only guy in the line who pays with cash draws scorn from everyone else in the place.
Blatherskeit! as my grandfather used to say.
These commercials are paid for by companies that want to provide you with credit cards or debit cards, the use of which may require you to pay interest. People who buy things with cash don’t pay interest unless they’ve been enticed into an installment plan.
I do my grocery shopping once a week, and my list is limited. I’m usually hovering around the 10-item mark, which easily qualifies me for access to one of the express lanes.
The theory behind the express lane is that folks who don’t have many items don’t take long to check out.
This isn’t necessarily true.
Invariably, someone ahead of me in the express lane pays by swiping a credit card or debit card through the card reader. That means he must punch some buttons and wait to see if the swiping has registered properly with a computer that must approve the transaction before it can proceed.
Other folks pay with a check. Most of them actually dig out the checkbook, open it and make the check out in the name of the store before the clerk announces how much is due, which I appreciate because it does save some time. However, more time passes while the check is evaluated and validated.
Of course, not every card swipes successfully on the first try, just as not all buttons are punched correctly and not every check passes muster.
The result of all this is that other folks who entered a nearby non-express lane after you got into the express lane advance steadily toward their cash register, check out and leave the store while you’re standing there with your teeth in your mouth (which was another of Granddad’s expressions).
There is a further delay if, ahead of you in the line, someone produces coupons.
By the time I’ve checked out with my dozen or so items, I’m almost expecting the clerk to thank me for having paid in cash ... but it doesn’t happen. Usually, they’re just friendly and smile when they ask me how I’m doing and tell me they hope I have a nice day, and that works just fine.
What I’ve just said is in no way to be construed as a complaint against people who use credit or debit cards or checks to pay for their groceries — nor is it a condemnation of folks who have coupons, because anything short of fraud or theft that saves you money in a grocery store is a good thing.
I just wish they’d have an exit for people who have 15 items or fewer, cash only and no coupons, and you don’t have to scan and bag everything yourself.
That would be a true express lane.
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I recently achieved the age of 60, which in West Virginia must make me an official senior citizen because a few days after my birthday I received the official West Virginia senior citizen’s prescription benefit card.
What it does for me or how it works, I have no idea, because it came with a two-page set of instructions that are in what most folks my age or older would consider Fine Print.
Eight days after I turned 60, my cousin Cyndy did the same. I called her on the occasion of her birthday, as she had called me on mine. (My cousins and I sing to each other on our birthdays, by the way. On Thanksgiving, I gobble to them.)
When I mentioned the pamphlet that came with the prescription card, she said she’d also gotten hers and told me this: “Take it to the drug store and have the pharmacist explain it to you.”
So you see, with age does come wisdom.
Some of my friends fussed with me because I didn’t tell them ahead of time when my birthday was going to be.
This was by design. Birthday or not, each day I have is the same to me because I should have been dead 45 years ago, and there’s no medical explanation for my still being here. Each day I have is a gift from God, and I always thank him for it when it begins and when it ends, and also at times in between.
The last time I was in the hospital, I didn’t tell anybody about that either, because I despise having people fuss over me — doesn’t matter if I’m sick or healthy.
As far as health goes, anybody who is 60-plus and insists he felt better when he was 30 years younger may be fooling himself because his memory probably isn’t that good. There were plenty of times when I was 30 that I felt awful, although it usually was my fault.
I absolutely would not have taken better care of myself if I’d known I would live this long, because what my friends and I did was way too much fun — and they agree with me completely on this subject.
Another thing I can say with equal certainty is this:
It seems like most of my wild oats have sure as hell turned into bran flakes ... but not all of them, I hope.
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