Jim Goldsworthy, Columnist
Cumberland Times-News
April 10, 2009 12:17 am
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A friend who long ago resigned himself to the fact of his marriage recently sent me a selection of quotes about the subject from famous people.
He didn’t vouch for their authenticity and, when later I repeat a selection of them for you, neither will I.
Having 35 years ago been an unsuccessful participant in the process myself, I find it interesting to listen to my friends talk about their marriages — and this includes both men and women.
Men and women both used to ask me why I haven’t married again, but nobody has done so in recent years.
It may be that they think they have figured out the answers for themselves, and concluded: (a) He could never have been as lucky as I was; or (b) He may actually be a hell of a lot smarter than I ever gave him credit for.
I have on occasion considered doing it again, but most times decided it wasn’t a good idea. In the other cases, my shelf life (generally about eight months) expired, and the woman consigned me to The Landfill of Love.
Feel free, if you like, to speculate as to why no woman in the last 35 years has decided to keep me. For my part, I can only say that I didn’t blame any of them; their reasons were probably valid.
One of my cousins, who also isn’t married, has suggested I get a dog. That’s never seemed like a good idea, either. This doesn’t mean I’m not fond of women or dogs, because I am. Good women and dogs are hard to find and are worth keeping. Bad ones wag their tails at you, then take a chunk out of your hindquarters when you turn your back to them.
My friend told me he has found that women are like cell phones: They like to be held, talked to and touched often ... but push the wrong button and you are disconnected.
He said he and his wife were shopping for furniture when she sat down in a love seat and began wriggling around in it, patting the cushions and doing the other things one does when one is test-driving a piece of furniture.
“I think we ought to buy it,” he told her. “We should have at least one chair you can fit into, comfortably.”
This line resulted in his being disconnected ... so to speak ... for several days.
My friend and I met a number of years ago when I was dating someone who had a lasting effect on me that I will describe later.
I told him one of the lady’s cousins had confided to me that she wanted to get married in the worst way.
“Don’t do it, Goldy,” he said. “I’ve been married in the worst way for 10 years, and there’s not a damn thing to be said for it!”
The only comment I would make about the following quotes is that you probably could switch “man” for “woman,” “him” for “her” and “husband” for “wife” — or vice-versa, where necessary — in any of them, and they would still ring just as true.
Starting the list will be one I added. It’s my personal favorite quote about marriage.
• Any man who loses his first wife, and remarries, didn’t deserve to lose the first one. H.L. Mencken
• I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. David Bissonette
• When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry
• After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together. Hemant Joshi
• By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. Socrates
• Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Dumas
• The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, “What does a woman want?” Sigmund Freud
• I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Anonymous
• Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. Henny Youngman
• I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. Sam Kinison
• There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage. James Holt McGavran
• I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t. Patrick Murray
• Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming: 1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it. 2. Whenever you’re right, shut up. Ogden Nash
• You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Henny Youngman
• My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield
• A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. Milton Berle
• A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: “Wife wanted.” Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.” Anonymous
• First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!” Second Guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”
• The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once. Anonymous
With regards to the last quote, it was shortly after forgetting the woman-who-wanted-to-get-married-in-the-worst-way’s birthday that I noticed patches of gray were beginning to infiltrate my dark brown hair.
I was only in my 30s at the time, and not once since then have I ever contemplated coloring any of my gray hairs.
I figure that I’ve earned every last one of them.
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