It is time for another edition of Goldy’s Rules.
They include Rules I recently thought up or heard about, plus some I have long abided by and only now remembered.
If a few seem familiar, it’s because I’ve already used them in columns that I wrote since the last set of Rules appeared. I included those for the sake of continuity and also for reasons that are explained in Rule 95 and Rule 95a.
Italicized attributions or explanations are added where appropriate.
Rule 78: Never argue with women, judges, police officers or anyone else who is more heavily armed than you are. (A lawyer friend of mine once defended a man who actually took a knife to a gunfight.)
Rule 79: The (four-word Anglo-Saxonism) will drive you nuts ... if you let him. (Grandfather Goldsworthy.)
Rule 80: Stop telling God how big the storm is. Instead, tell the storm how big your God is. (Unknown.)
Rule 81: Certain decisions shouldn’t be made until you have to make them. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t think about them ahead of time. Besides, some decisions will make themselves without any help from you. (An example in my case would be that a woman who was responsible for considerable indecision on my part has moved away, and I’ll probably never hear from her again. Makes life simpler for both of us.)
Rule 82: Beware of the (Anatomical Exit Point) Factor, which says that just about the time you have everything figured out, every contingency has been planned for and nothing can possibly go wrong, some (anatomical exit point) will come along and (threaded wood fastener) everything up. Rule 82a: Sometimes, the (anatomical exit point) is you.
Rule 83: A body in motion will remain in motion, and a body at rest will remain at rest, unless acted upon by an outside force. (Sir Isaac Newton’s First Law of Motion.) Goldy’s Corollary A: A man’s body at rest will stay at rest until a woman makes him get up to do something. Corollary B: If a man is in a woman's kitchen, he will be in her way regardless of where he stands or sits. Corollary C: A woman who is a wife, a girlfriend, a mother, a daughter or a daughter-in-law — maybe even a grandmother — is not likely to have much chance to rest in the first place.
Rule 84: One of the injustices associated with growing older is that even though your stomach gets bigger, it can’t hold as much food as it once did.
Rule 85: As you grow older, you tend to repeat yourself.
Rule 86: Pain following an injury is Nature’s way of saying you did something wrong. Rule 86a: Numbness following an injury is Nature’s way of saying you did something really wrong; the pain will begin as the shock wears off.
Rule 87: People who think they’re smarter than other people set traps for themselves. They do this by forgetting that every person they meet knows something they don’t. (After numerous failures, a highly educated former girlfriend went into a fit of rage because she couldn’t beat me at the word game Scrabble. “I can’t understand it,” she said. “I’m smarter than you are!” — which is what she’d told a mutual friend who said she would eventually find out otherwise. I replied, “If you were that smart, you would have realized that this is what I do for a living.” We never played Scrabble again.)
Rule 88: If you want to understand why a dog likes to ride with his head out the car window, go for a ride on a motorcycle.
Rule 89: When something goes wrong in front of an audience, the most important thing to remember is not to say, “Oh, ****!” and stop what you’re doing. Just keep right on going, and they’ll never know the difference.
Rule 90: It takes a mixture of sulfur, charcoal and saltpeter to make gunpowder. A combination of ego, anger and stupidity can be equally explosive; any two of them put together can be survived, but not all three at once.
Rule 91: If there are no cars on the street while you’re walking to your car, the odds are excellent that the first vehicle in a long convoy of traffic will arrive just as you are getting ready to pull out.
Rule 92: It matters not if you remember the number of the Rule, as long as you remember the Rule itself.
Rule 93: He who dies with the most toys is still dead. (Sign in front of a church I pass on my travels to and from work.) Rule 93a: He who dies after spending his last dollar on something he enjoys comes closer to being a winner ... but is still dead.
Rule 94: Sometimes ... you’re wrong. (Leroy Jethro Gibbs’ Rule No. 51.)
Rule 95: As you grow older, you tend to repeat yourself. Only younger people notice this. Older people will understand, even if they don’t realize that they do it themselves. Rule 95a: Repeating yourself gives you the opportunity to say something you forgot to say the first time.
Rule 96: If you go to the well once too often, your bucket will come up filled with mud and rocks. Keep on going to the same well, and you will come up with a $16 trillion-plus deficit.
Rule 97: When you hear people say, “How good can it taste if it doesn’t have any fat in it?” ask them, “How much fat does beer have in it?” (I am told that bacon is responsible for the downfall of more vegetarians than anything else.)
Rule 98: The only thing new is the history you don’t already know. (Harry S Truman.)
Rule 99: There probably has never been a generation of Americans who didn’t think the next generation of Americans was taking the country down the road to ruin. Rule 99a: Each generation of Americans has a core of people whose job it is to pass on to the next generation the values, traditions and other qualities that have made us uniquely American.
Rule 100: If people think it’s stupid, but it works, then it isn’t stupid. (Sarge’s Rule of Combat No. 21.)
Rule 101: Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight. (Proverbs 3:5)
It is time for another edition of Goldy’s Rules.
- Jim Goldsworthy - Anything and Everything
- He was here long before Duck Dynasty
He means well, and this time they spared his life
Our pal Phil is the only re-enactor certified in writing by both the Lee and Custis families to portray Confederate Gen. Robert E. Lee (whose wife was Mary Anna Custis Lee). When he’s in uniform, he generally stops at the bottom of the path that leads to the summit of Little Round Top, salutes Capt. Gary and First Sgt. Goldy and asks permission to join us. (Get it? Generally ... General Lee?) We always return his salute and grant him permission, in part because he’s our friend and also because the real Lee never got to see what it really looks like from up there. (Get it? Grant ... Grant? U.S. Grant? Real Lee ... really? OK. I hear you. That’s enough. Seriouslee.) Phil gets a kick out of being able to sneak up on us while we’re distracted by tourists.
They’d have fallen like Autumn leaves
So there we were, minding our own business (at least momentarily), leaning against the cannon at Little Round Top.
Better read that french fry before you eat it
People give me otherwise-insignificant items they hope will amuse or inspire me. I appreciate this. I’m always glad for free entertainment, which as Goldy’s Rule 33 says is everywhere. All you have to do is wait and it will come to you. Also, I have been writing columns for 37 years and embrace inspiration anywhere I can find it.
The moose is loose, and it’s coming for you
So how would you like to look out your kitchen door window onto your porch and see a moose looking back at you from close range?
There are some debts you can never repay
Today’s column will be relatively short, as my columns go, for reasons that should become apparent, and I thought long and hard before writing it.
It could have saved the county a lot of money
Random thoughts sometimes occur to me when I least expect it, usually when my brain has become tired.
When I voice these thoughts at work or in other places, people may tell me, “Goldy? It’s time for you to go home.” Yes, ma’am.
Here are two random thoughts of recent vintage:
• If Bugs Bunny were an Emergency Medical Technician, would that make him a MedicHare?
• If Daisy Duck got a job driving for United Parcel Service, would she be an UPS-a-Daisy?
I wouldn’t blame you if you think that sounds Goofy — or Daffy.
These two were part of the Not Top Ten
Occasionally, at this time of year, I see reference to a “class orator” or a “class speaker.”
Nothing wrong with that — people can call such things whatever they want, as far as I’m concerned — but it makes me wonder. Have “valedictorian” and “salutatorian” become politically incorrect, and I didn’t notice? It may come as a surprise to you, but I really have not kept up with what is politically correct or incorrect. That’s what people tell me, anyway. With some of them, it actually seems to be a compliment.
Coming soon to a highway near you?
People say to me, “Goldy? Can I ask you a stupid question?”
In theory — and theory only — the correct response is: “The only stupid question is the one you don’t ask.” Not so much. There ARE stupid questions, some of them so stupid that to call them stupid is to damn them with faint praise. Other questions are — on the face of it — legitimate questions, but shouldn’t be treated as such ... not if you subscribe to the same philosophy that I do: Free entertainment is everywhere; all you have to do is wait, and it will come to you.
This was a skill that proved very useful
The Belmont Park stewards have decided to let California Chrome wear his nasal strip during the Run for the Carnations. Nasal strips usually are worn by people who snore and may have saved numerous marriages. It helps the Triple Crown hopeful to breathe, and some twolegged athletes wear nasal strips for the same reason. In this case, Chrome’s nasal strip may keep him from (wait for it) ... losing by a nose.
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