Cumberland Times-News

Jim Goldsworthy - Anything and Everything

November 2, 2013

It was his beer, but she managed to spill it

As we noted last week, a man is likely to find himself in trouble with a woman at any given time, without his realizing it or even understanding why.

But then, there are times when it happens for reasons anybody can figure out. Here are two recent examples:

Example A: A Briton named Neil McArdle was scheduled to be married, but forgot to book a reservation for the place where it was supposed to happen. (I can hear some of you ladies out there, saying to yourselves, “That’s what she gets for leaving the man to do it.”)

Rather than admit to his failure, he did the next worse thing: He waited until the day of his wedding, then called in a bomb threat to the wedding hall.

According to The Associated Press, “His fiancee, Amy Williams, was left standing in the street in her wedding gown while the building was evacuated.”

McArdle was arrested the same day and ultimately sentenced to a year in jail by a judge who read him the riot act.

#”You did not say ‘We need to talk.’ ” said Judge Norman Wright. “You tried to weasel your way out by creating a bomb hoax so the wedding would not take place.”

At last report, the bride and groom were still together, and she was waiting for him to be released from the pokey.

I do not envy him, on the day that happens.

Example B: A German newlywed couple — names unreported — experienced a brief separation when the groom drove off and left his bride at a gas station on the way home from their honeymoon.

Two and a half hours passed before he noticed she wasn’t in their van and called police, who said she was waiting patiently for his return. I’ll bet she was.

His excuse was that she had been sleeping in the van, but got out without his knowing it to go to the toilet while he was gassing up.

I believe him, and here is why:

Some years ago, a funeral director who is a friend of mine told me about what happened to another funeral director, way back in the day.

The funeral director was called to Oldtown, so he responded in his personal automobile. Such things weren’t handled as formally as they are today. He called the fellow who usually assisted him at such times, picked him up, and off they went.

They collected the deceased and put him in the back seat of the funeral director’s car.

On the way back to Cumberland, the assistant said he could use a cup of coffee, so they stopped at a roadside eatery. The assistant went in, while the funeral director waited.

Presently, an acquaintance of the funeral director came up to the car and asked if he could hitch a ride back to Cumberland.

“Sure,” said the funeral director. “But my assistant is riding up front, so you’ll have to ride in the back seat with the corpse.”

The man said that wouldn’t be a problem. He’d been a soldier in World War II and the sight of dead bodies was nothing new to him.

He opened the back door, got in and sat down.

The assistant came out with his coffee, got into the shotgun seat, and off they went.

Apparently, he failed to notice they had picked up a rider who was still among the living.

Partway down the road, the passenger asked, “Do you guys mind if I smoke back here?”

That’s when the assistant opened the door and, while traveling at about 30 or 35 miles an hour, jumped out of the car.

Now, I am going to do something that will most likely get me into trouble with a woman. So be it.

My favorite restaurant is owned and operated by one of my favorite ex-girlfriends, which gives me a certain amount of leeway in dealing with her.

She and her late husband became two of my dearest and most beloved friends and, with their their two sons, are a part of my extended family.

My old love wound up marrying the right man, and the reason she’s my ex-girlfriend is easy to explain.

We struck up a friendship back in the day, and I asked her out. She was cuter than hell and, she told me some years later, so was I.

She says we went to dinner, I remember it being a high school basketball game. No matter.

We went afterward to The Famous North End Tavern, where I ordered a beer (which she promptly spilled), and she ordered a Pepsi.

“Don’t you drink?” I asked.

“No,” she said, “I’m only 17.”

I was 26 at the time. So much for that idea.

In my mind’s ear, I can still hear the sound of the cell door clanging shut.

Nowadays, when I want to get under her skin, I call her “Jailbait.” The waitresses and cooks get a big kick out of this. So did her late husband, and so do her sons.

Her restaurant was jam-packed one Sunday when I went in for lunch after church.

The waitresses were scrambling to get things done, but, as I have told them and my old girlfriend, having all the seats filled with hungry customers is GOOD.

 She was running the cash register when I went to pay my bill.

After exchanging our usual hug, I remarked about how busy it was that day and told her that my lunch was cold when I got it.

“Huh?” she harrumphed. “Did Barbara (the waitress) take it back?”

“No,” I said.

“Why not?” she roared.

“Because it was a chef’s salad,” I said, assuming my most innocent expression. (It’s a very good one, too; I learned early in life the value of not getting caught.)

I got exactly the reaction I was hoping for. The way she worded the part about what she was going to do with her foot was, I thought, particularly creative and entertaining.

She’ll get even with me one of these days, and I am looking forward to seeing how she does it.

Like a chef’s salad, revenge is best served cold.

1
Text Only
Jim Goldsworthy - Anything and Everything
  • He means well, and this time they spared his life

    Our pal Phil is the only re-enactor certified in writing by both the Lee and Custis families to portray Confederate Gen. Robert E. Lee (whose wife was Mary Anna Custis Lee). When he’s in uniform, he generally stops at the bottom of the path that leads to the summit of Little Round Top, salutes Capt. Gary and First Sgt. Goldy and asks permission to join us. (Get it? Generally ... General Lee?) We always return his salute and grant him permission, in part because he’s our friend and also because the real Lee never got to see what it really looks like from up there. (Get it? Grant ... Grant? U.S. Grant? Real Lee ... really? OK. I hear you. That’s enough. Seriouslee.) Phil gets a kick out of being able to sneak up on us while we’re distracted by tourists.

    July 20, 2014

  • They’d have fallen like Autumn leaves

    So there we were, minding our own business (at least momentarily), leaning against the cannon at Little Round Top.

    July 13, 2014

  • Better read that french fry before you eat it

    People give me otherwise-insignificant items they hope will amuse or inspire me. I appreciate this. I’m always glad for free entertainment, which as Goldy’s Rule 33 says is everywhere. All you have to do is wait and it will come to you. Also, I have been writing columns for 37 years and embrace inspiration anywhere I can find it.

    July 6, 2014

  • The moose is loose, and it’s coming for you

    So how would you like to look out your kitchen door window onto your porch and see a moose looking back at you from close range?

    June 28, 2014

  • There are some debts you can never repay

    Today’s column will be relatively short, as my columns go, for reasons that should become apparent, and I thought long and hard before writing it.

    June 21, 2014

  • It could have saved the county a lot of money

    Random thoughts sometimes occur to me when I least expect it, usually when my brain has become tired.
    When I voice these thoughts at work or in other places, people may tell me, “Goldy? It’s time for you to go home.” Yes, ma’am.
    Here are two random thoughts of recent vintage:
    • If Bugs Bunny were an Emergency Medical Technician, would that make him a MedicHare?
    • If Daisy Duck got a job driving for United Parcel Service, would she be an UPS-a-Daisy?
    I wouldn’t blame you if you think that sounds Goofy — or Daffy.

    June 15, 2014

  • These two were part of the Not Top Ten

    Occasionally, at this time of year, I see reference to a “class orator” or a “class speaker.”

    Nothing wrong with that — people can call such things whatever they want, as far as I’m concerned — but it makes me wonder. Have “valedictorian” and “salutatorian” become politically incorrect, and I didn’t notice? It may come as a surprise to you, but I really have not kept up with what is politically correct or incorrect. That’s what people tell me, anyway. With some of them, it actually seems to be a compliment.

    June 8, 2014

  • Coming soon to a highway near you?

    People say to me, “Goldy? Can I ask you a stupid question?”

    In theory — and theory only — the correct response is: “The only stupid question is the one you don’t ask.” Not so much. There ARE stupid questions, some of them so stupid that to call them stupid is to damn them with faint praise. Other questions are — on the face of it — legitimate questions, but shouldn’t be treated as such ... not if you subscribe to the same philosophy that I do: Free entertainment is everywhere; all you have to do is wait, and it will come to you.

    June 1, 2014

  • This was a skill that proved very useful

    The Belmont Park stewards have decided to let California Chrome wear his nasal strip during the Run for the Carnations. Nasal strips usually are worn by people who snore and may have saved numerous marriages. It helps the Triple Crown hopeful to breathe, and some twolegged athletes wear nasal strips for the same reason. In this case, Chrome’s nasal strip may keep him from (wait for it) ... losing by a nose.

    May 25, 2014

  • He made a big splash by asking this question

    “I don’t know who you were talking to last night,” said Capt. Gary, “but you were talking and moaning in your sleep. Never heard you do that before.” Neither has anyone else, I said. Besides, I had told him not to be surprised if we had visitors. I wasn’t at the top of my game for a couple of days, and he said some of our friends asked him if I was all right. It’s not the first time for this, so now I’ll know to watch out for it. It can affect you and is not something to play around with — as our friend Cathy found out.

    May 18, 2014

Latest news
Facebook
Must Read
House Ads