Cumberland Times-News

Jim Goldsworthy - Anything and Everything

July 6, 2014

Better read that french fry before you eat it

People give me otherwise-insignificant items they hope will amuse or inspire me. I appreciate this. I’m always glad for free entertainment, which as Goldy’s Rule 33 says is everywhere. All you have to do is wait and it will come to you. Also, I have been writing columns for 37 years and embrace inspiration anywhere I can find it.



A jeweler friend gave me a piece of cardboard that measures two inches by two inches. He found it in the battery compartment of some electronic contraption.



It says: “REMOVE BEFORE USING.” (Really?) What the e-mail brings often winds up on my walls in Dilbertville, our Times-News cubicle village.



One example is the 2010 Hooters Calendar that contains pictures of 12 different species of owls.



An expertly Photoshopped photo shows Barack Obama as The Tin Man, John McCain as The Scarecrow, Joe Biden as The Cowardly Lion and Sarah Palin as Dorothy. The caption reads: “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Alaska any more.”



I have provided several folks copies of a photo that shows John Wayne in the most magnificent of all 10-gallon hats, vest and blue double-breasted shirt, with a pistol stuck in his belt and a neckerchief around his neck.



The Duke is standing with his hands on his hips in front of a huge American flag and is saying, “Now just why in the HELL do I have to press ‘1’ for English?”



I have a copy of tasting instructions issued to judges who decided the roster of Five Flavor Life Savers. Part of it reads like this: —————
Mouth Maneuvers

When sampling Life Savers, roll the candy piece around in your mouth to allow your taste buds to appreciate the finer qualities of that particular flavor.



Not everyone eats a
Life Savers candy the same way. 19% of consumers bite their Life Savers while 74% suck them. Others try to stick their tongue in the hole.



Feel free to eat
Life Savers candies whichever way you prefer. ————— My lunch occasionally includes soup in a microwaveable container. Some of it is pretty good, like the chunky sirloin burger with country vegetables that I am about to polish off, even as we speak.



Folks with more cultured tastes might turn up their noses at that, but cultured tastes usually are expensive tastes. I grew up abject middle-class and have inexpensive tastes.



One member of The Famous Company of Myrtle Beach Golfers was celebrating a birthday. He ordered a jug of Dom Perignon that cost him $125 and was big enough for all eight of us to have two glasses.



I didn’t tell him it tasted a lot like the stuff I bought when I craved cheap white wine, only it had more bubbles ... which meant I liked it.



The label on microwaveable soup containers bears a wealth of information. Some of it is useful, like how long to nuke it.



The one I’m eating from also informs the eater/reader, “CAUTION (in red letters):
Metal edges are sharp. Bowl and soup are HOT after heating.” No (fooling), Sherlock.

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Jim Goldsworthy - Anything and Everything
  • He was here long before Duck Dynasty

    July 27, 2014

  • He means well, and this time they spared his life

    Our pal Phil is the only re-enactor certified in writing by both the Lee and Custis families to portray Confederate Gen. Robert E. Lee (whose wife was Mary Anna Custis Lee). When he’s in uniform, he generally stops at the bottom of the path that leads to the summit of Little Round Top, salutes Capt. Gary and First Sgt. Goldy and asks permission to join us. (Get it? Generally ... General Lee?) We always return his salute and grant him permission, in part because he’s our friend and also because the real Lee never got to see what it really looks like from up there. (Get it? Grant ... Grant? U.S. Grant? Real Lee ... really? OK. I hear you. That’s enough. Seriouslee.) Phil gets a kick out of being able to sneak up on us while we’re distracted by tourists.

    July 20, 2014

  • They’d have fallen like Autumn leaves

    So there we were, minding our own business (at least momentarily), leaning against the cannon at Little Round Top.

    July 13, 2014

  • Better read that french fry before you eat it

    People give me otherwise-insignificant items they hope will amuse or inspire me. I appreciate this. I’m always glad for free entertainment, which as Goldy’s Rule 33 says is everywhere. All you have to do is wait and it will come to you. Also, I have been writing columns for 37 years and embrace inspiration anywhere I can find it.

    July 6, 2014

  • The moose is loose, and it’s coming for you

    So how would you like to look out your kitchen door window onto your porch and see a moose looking back at you from close range?

    June 28, 2014

  • There are some debts you can never repay

    Today’s column will be relatively short, as my columns go, for reasons that should become apparent, and I thought long and hard before writing it.

    June 21, 2014

  • It could have saved the county a lot of money

    Random thoughts sometimes occur to me when I least expect it, usually when my brain has become tired.
    When I voice these thoughts at work or in other places, people may tell me, “Goldy? It’s time for you to go home.” Yes, ma’am.
    Here are two random thoughts of recent vintage:
    • If Bugs Bunny were an Emergency Medical Technician, would that make him a MedicHare?
    • If Daisy Duck got a job driving for United Parcel Service, would she be an UPS-a-Daisy?
    I wouldn’t blame you if you think that sounds Goofy — or Daffy.

    June 15, 2014

  • These two were part of the Not Top Ten

    Occasionally, at this time of year, I see reference to a “class orator” or a “class speaker.”

    Nothing wrong with that — people can call such things whatever they want, as far as I’m concerned — but it makes me wonder. Have “valedictorian” and “salutatorian” become politically incorrect, and I didn’t notice? It may come as a surprise to you, but I really have not kept up with what is politically correct or incorrect. That’s what people tell me, anyway. With some of them, it actually seems to be a compliment.

    June 8, 2014

  • Coming soon to a highway near you?

    People say to me, “Goldy? Can I ask you a stupid question?”

    In theory — and theory only — the correct response is: “The only stupid question is the one you don’t ask.” Not so much. There ARE stupid questions, some of them so stupid that to call them stupid is to damn them with faint praise. Other questions are — on the face of it — legitimate questions, but shouldn’t be treated as such ... not if you subscribe to the same philosophy that I do: Free entertainment is everywhere; all you have to do is wait, and it will come to you.

    June 1, 2014

  • This was a skill that proved very useful

    The Belmont Park stewards have decided to let California Chrome wear his nasal strip during the Run for the Carnations. Nasal strips usually are worn by people who snore and may have saved numerous marriages. It helps the Triple Crown hopeful to breathe, and some twolegged athletes wear nasal strips for the same reason. In this case, Chrome’s nasal strip may keep him from (wait for it) ... losing by a nose.

    May 25, 2014

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