Cumberland Times-News

Jim Goldsworthy - Anything and Everything

January 4, 2014

Not all humans are descended from apes

It is time for another edition of Goldy’s Rules.

They include Rules I recently thought up or heard about, plus some I have long abided by and only now remembered.

If a few seem familiar, it’s because I’ve already used them in columns that I wrote since the last set of Rules appeared. I included those for the sake of continuity and also for reasons that are explained in Rule 95 and Rule 95a.

Italicized attributions or explanations are added where appropriate.

Goldy’s Rules:

Rule 122: Considering the number of ideologues in the Republican Party and the magnitude of their extremism, it is hard to understand why there aren’t more Democrats. Rule 122b: Considering the number of ideologues in the Democratic Party and the magnitude of their extremism, it is hard to understand why there aren’t more Republicans.

Rule 123: Don’t go looking for reasons to be offended. You may find more than you bargained for, and most of them won’t be real to anyone but you.

Rule 124: If something is meant to happen, it will happen when it is supposed to happen, and not before — particularly if it is something good. (Ecclesiastes 3:1 ... “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven.”)

Rule 125: It is possible to be friends, and nothing more, with someone of the opposite sex. If you look at such folks solely as targets of opportunity, you eliminate by half your pool of potential friends — and you can never have enough friends. (My parents.)

Rule 126: Whoever designed this (four-word Anglo-Saxonism) ought to have it (put in a place where it the sun will never shine upon it). (Goldsworthy family saying that’s at least three generations old.)

Rule 127: Just because I’m laughing, that doesn’t mean I think it’s funny. Sometimes, that’s the only defense.

Rule 128: Your best friends are those who give you reasons to smile and laugh that will remain with you for the rest of your days.

Rule 129: What you do might not be as important as the reason you do it.

Rule 130: I refuse to join the debate as to whether humans are descended from apes. I have, however, seen considerable evidence to suggest that at least some humans are descended from jackasses.

Rule 131: The difference between complaining and griping is simple: Complaining involves the expectation (or at least the hope) that somebody will do something about the problem. With griping, there is no such expectation.

Rule 132: Those who seek to climb the corporate ladder should understand that a noose and a trapdoor may be waiting for them at the top.

Rule 133: If you’re going to fantasize, fantasize about something you know will never happen. It’s much safer that way.

Rule 134: Nobody ever went broke because he understimated the intelligence of the American people. (Attributed to H.L. Mencken.)

Rule 135: The things a woman does that a man doesn’t understand, she does for three reasons — the reason she gives, the reason she thinks, and the real reason ... which she herself may not understand. (Source unknown.)

Rule 136: Never let them know everything you’ve got ... until it’s time to do otherwise. Then hit them hard, in a way they don’t expect it (what in the military is called “violence of action). Even then, don’t use any more of it than you need to get the job done.

Rule 137: Courage is not the absence of fear, but the willingness to do what you must, regardless of the circumstances and any reluctance you may have ... especially if you can smile while you’re doing it. (Numerous sources, many of which are worded differently ... but all mean the same thing.)

Rule 138: Never ask a woman you don’t know when she is expecting  ... because she might not be. (I haven’t done this, but I’ve seen it happen, and it gets real ugly, real fast.)

Rule 139: I’d like to have the money to buy an elephant. I don’t particularly want an elephant — and have no use for it. I’d just like to have the money it would take to buy one. (With thanks to W.C. Fields, who said “Women are like elephants. They’re nice to look at, but I wouldn’t necessarily want to own one.”)

Rule 140: Painting “Titleist” on a spheroid of horse manure doesn’t turn it into a golf ball.

Rule 141: Some folks are more offended by the fact that some people are rich than they are by the fact that some people are poor. (Margaret Thatcher.)

Rule 142: We hear a lot about what it takes to attract “the brightest and the best.” I would rather have “competent, intelligent and possessing of common sense.” It’s easier to find, costs less and is less temperamental and more reliable.

Rule 143: If you teach a politically correct, but distorted and significantly inaccurate or incomplete version of history or anything else, sooner or later people may find out the truth. Then they’ll start wondering how else they were lied to.

Rule 144: When people tell you to behave, or ask if you’re behaving, tell them this: It gets easier every day. (My dad once told me, “Wait ‘till you’re 80, and see how damn easy it gets.”)

Rule 145: Be suspicious of anyone who wants you to put him in the position of being able to tell you what you can and cannot do. That includes anyone who is running for elected office.

Rule 146: Few things should be taken seriously. Rule 146a: Considerable amusement can be derived by observing the confusion or outrage of people who don’t know about Rule 146.

Rule 147: The size of the body does not reflect the size of the person who lives in it.

Rule 148: When you blame other people for your problems, you’re failing to assign any of the fault to the person who’s probably most responsible — yourself.

Rule 149: The only thing a man can understand about women is that he will never understand anything about women. Rule 149b: What he must understand is that he will occasionally find himself in trouble with women — even those with whom he has no romantic involvement — for reasons he cannot understand. Rule 149c: A wise man can use his inability to understand women as a learning tool.

Rule 150: People who have nothing to do invariably gravitate to other people who actually are working so they distract them by talking about meaningless things.

 

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Jim Goldsworthy - Anything and Everything
  • He was here long before Duck Dynasty

    July 27, 2014

  • He means well, and this time they spared his life

    Our pal Phil is the only re-enactor certified in writing by both the Lee and Custis families to portray Confederate Gen. Robert E. Lee (whose wife was Mary Anna Custis Lee). When he’s in uniform, he generally stops at the bottom of the path that leads to the summit of Little Round Top, salutes Capt. Gary and First Sgt. Goldy and asks permission to join us. (Get it? Generally ... General Lee?) We always return his salute and grant him permission, in part because he’s our friend and also because the real Lee never got to see what it really looks like from up there. (Get it? Grant ... Grant? U.S. Grant? Real Lee ... really? OK. I hear you. That’s enough. Seriouslee.) Phil gets a kick out of being able to sneak up on us while we’re distracted by tourists.

    July 20, 2014

  • They’d have fallen like Autumn leaves

    So there we were, minding our own business (at least momentarily), leaning against the cannon at Little Round Top.

    July 13, 2014

  • Better read that french fry before you eat it

    People give me otherwise-insignificant items they hope will amuse or inspire me. I appreciate this. I’m always glad for free entertainment, which as Goldy’s Rule 33 says is everywhere. All you have to do is wait and it will come to you. Also, I have been writing columns for 37 years and embrace inspiration anywhere I can find it.

    July 6, 2014

  • The moose is loose, and it’s coming for you

    So how would you like to look out your kitchen door window onto your porch and see a moose looking back at you from close range?

    June 28, 2014

  • There are some debts you can never repay

    Today’s column will be relatively short, as my columns go, for reasons that should become apparent, and I thought long and hard before writing it.

    June 21, 2014

  • It could have saved the county a lot of money

    Random thoughts sometimes occur to me when I least expect it, usually when my brain has become tired.
    When I voice these thoughts at work or in other places, people may tell me, “Goldy? It’s time for you to go home.” Yes, ma’am.
    Here are two random thoughts of recent vintage:
    • If Bugs Bunny were an Emergency Medical Technician, would that make him a MedicHare?
    • If Daisy Duck got a job driving for United Parcel Service, would she be an UPS-a-Daisy?
    I wouldn’t blame you if you think that sounds Goofy — or Daffy.

    June 15, 2014

  • These two were part of the Not Top Ten

    Occasionally, at this time of year, I see reference to a “class orator” or a “class speaker.”

    Nothing wrong with that — people can call such things whatever they want, as far as I’m concerned — but it makes me wonder. Have “valedictorian” and “salutatorian” become politically incorrect, and I didn’t notice? It may come as a surprise to you, but I really have not kept up with what is politically correct or incorrect. That’s what people tell me, anyway. With some of them, it actually seems to be a compliment.

    June 8, 2014

  • Coming soon to a highway near you?

    People say to me, “Goldy? Can I ask you a stupid question?”

    In theory — and theory only — the correct response is: “The only stupid question is the one you don’t ask.” Not so much. There ARE stupid questions, some of them so stupid that to call them stupid is to damn them with faint praise. Other questions are — on the face of it — legitimate questions, but shouldn’t be treated as such ... not if you subscribe to the same philosophy that I do: Free entertainment is everywhere; all you have to do is wait, and it will come to you.

    June 1, 2014

  • This was a skill that proved very useful

    The Belmont Park stewards have decided to let California Chrome wear his nasal strip during the Run for the Carnations. Nasal strips usually are worn by people who snore and may have saved numerous marriages. It helps the Triple Crown hopeful to breathe, and some twolegged athletes wear nasal strips for the same reason. In this case, Chrome’s nasal strip may keep him from (wait for it) ... losing by a nose.

    May 25, 2014

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