Cumberland Times-News

Jim Goldsworthy - Anything and Everything

July 20, 2013

The Buffalo Girls came out that night

Being a practical man, I once went to a New Year’s Eve party and sat in the living room with the women, while the rest of the men were in the kitchen.

The company was better-looking in the living room, the conversation was more lively, and that’s where the food was.

Likewise, I sat on the porch of a Gettysburg motel with Cathy (with a C) and the Buffalo (N.Y.) Girls  — Peggy, Diane and Kathy (with a K) — while Capt. Gary, Harry and the others were within eyeshot, but not earshot.

I’ve laughed harder, but can’t remember when I’ve laughed longer. While at Little Round Top, we met two other people from Buffalo, who told us everybody who lives in that place is crazy. Considering the amount of snow those people get, it’s no wonder.

The Buffalo Girls wanted me to write about them and Cathy (with a C), but that is challenging. They went ghost-hunting at Sachs Covered Bridge, and Cathy (with a C) described in some detail what the Buffalo Girls did that may have scared the ghosts away.

All I can tell you is that it involved beer and what eventually happens to beer. I gathered that a certain amount of distress and some raising of voices also may have been involved in the steps that were taken to relieve the distress. If I had been a ghost in that place, I’d have skedaddled, too.

Cathy (with a C) has a relatively new toy in the form of a computer app that answers questions vocally on her smartphone. You talk to it, and it talks back in a female voice.

It says things like, “Here’s what I found” and “Would you like me to search the Web for that information?”

A couple of times, when Cathy (with a C) was putting it through its paces, it replied, “I’m not sure how to respond to that question.”

One thing she asked had to do with what the computer might do to amuse itself when it was alone and nobody was pestering it with questions ... and the psychological consequences that might result from an excess of such behavior. (I said this would be challenging.)

An e-mail I just received from Cathy (with a C) informs me that her daughter (DP-15, the 15-year-old Diva Princess) says I’d better not mention the “makeup obsession” she has developed.

Good luck with that.

“Makeup obsession” is Cathy (with a C)’s term ... not mine. What I observed on DP-15’s part was perfectly normal behavior — for as much as I understand female behavior at any age level, which is not to any significant extent — and I told her she was doing it right.

If I can’t tell a woman has makeup on until I get within a few feet of her, she’s on point with it. If I can see warpaint clear across the room, not so much. As anybody who works in an auto body shop can tell you, paint doesn’t cover up blemishes. It makes them easier to see.

DP-15 said she was putting on a new face (I told her I thought the old one was perfectly fine) as I walked past.

“Don’t look!” she said.

“I won’t look if you won’t,” I said, letting myself into the bathroom.

Later that night, I was alone in my motel room with two other women — Lacey (Gary’s niece) and Shay (his cousin), who were staying in Jaynie’s room.

They are adorable and differ from other younger women in that they have personalities and are fun to be with. They have a sense of humor and you can have intelligent conversations with them. They interacted with the rest of us and spent little time texting.

I was stretched out on the bed (fully clothed) when they knocked at the door.

“We don’t know where Jaynie is,” said one of them. “She has the key to the room, and we’re locked out.” Unknown to us, she and Gary had made a side trip to Gettysburg Eddie’s.

When I invited them in, they promptly crawled into Gary’s bed and pulled the covers up over their heads — which is the way Jaynie said they sleep.

It was the last I saw of them until the following day, although I remember Gary making a brief early-morning appearance at the door to tell me he was going to escort them back to their room.

I waited for Gary to return. Then I waited some more. Eventually, I went to sleep.

When I awoke the next morning, he was there and told me, “Jaynie locked the keys in her room. I had to go find the guy who has the master key so they could get in. I didn’t get to bed until 3:30.”

Capt. Gary and I adore Jaynie. She’s our little sister. I told her one of the things I like most about her is that she is ubiquitous (might be the first time I’ve ever used that word).

She is everywhere and associates with everyone who is around. She spent some time with each of us, including me.

We were walking from the motel to Eddie’s, when I found myself holding hands with her.

I told her, “I’m 65 years old and don’t know when the last time was I did this.” She rewarded me with a smile.

I’ve never been a hand-holder, but this was all right. Not “we’re-in-love” hand-holding; more like two little kids who are buddies, holding hands and skipping down the street ... on the way to get a beer.

One day we were leaving Little Round Top, Capt. Gary and I having spent about five hours in our woolen uniforms in 90-degree heat.

Jaynie said she and the girls wanted to go to Sachs Covered Bridge, a few miles away. The captain and I wanted nothing more than to shed our uniforms and go to air-conditioned Eddie’s to re-hydrate ourselves.

Trying to change Jaynie’s mind is about like trying to convince an alligator it isn’t hungry for you. (The Famous Company of Myrtle Beach Golfers could tell you about this.)

So we went. What we saw there weren’t the ghosts of horses or soldiers, but a genuine Rolls-Royce limousine surrounded by people in fancy clothes.

The bride’s mother (who wasn’t the least bit hard to look at) said the bride (who was absolutely stunning) would love to have her picture taken standing between the two handsome soldiers.

The two handsome soldiers didn’t mind at all.

Hey ... how many of YOU are in the wedding albums of people you don’t even know?

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Jim Goldsworthy - Anything and Everything
  • He was here long before Duck Dynasty

    July 27, 2014

  • He means well, and this time they spared his life

    Our pal Phil is the only re-enactor certified in writing by both the Lee and Custis families to portray Confederate Gen. Robert E. Lee (whose wife was Mary Anna Custis Lee). When he’s in uniform, he generally stops at the bottom of the path that leads to the summit of Little Round Top, salutes Capt. Gary and First Sgt. Goldy and asks permission to join us. (Get it? Generally ... General Lee?) We always return his salute and grant him permission, in part because he’s our friend and also because the real Lee never got to see what it really looks like from up there. (Get it? Grant ... Grant? U.S. Grant? Real Lee ... really? OK. I hear you. That’s enough. Seriouslee.) Phil gets a kick out of being able to sneak up on us while we’re distracted by tourists.

    July 20, 2014

  • They’d have fallen like Autumn leaves

    So there we were, minding our own business (at least momentarily), leaning against the cannon at Little Round Top.

    July 13, 2014

  • Better read that french fry before you eat it

    People give me otherwise-insignificant items they hope will amuse or inspire me. I appreciate this. I’m always glad for free entertainment, which as Goldy’s Rule 33 says is everywhere. All you have to do is wait and it will come to you. Also, I have been writing columns for 37 years and embrace inspiration anywhere I can find it.

    July 6, 2014

  • The moose is loose, and it’s coming for you

    So how would you like to look out your kitchen door window onto your porch and see a moose looking back at you from close range?

    June 28, 2014

  • There are some debts you can never repay

    Today’s column will be relatively short, as my columns go, for reasons that should become apparent, and I thought long and hard before writing it.

    June 21, 2014

  • It could have saved the county a lot of money

    Random thoughts sometimes occur to me when I least expect it, usually when my brain has become tired.
    When I voice these thoughts at work or in other places, people may tell me, “Goldy? It’s time for you to go home.” Yes, ma’am.
    Here are two random thoughts of recent vintage:
    • If Bugs Bunny were an Emergency Medical Technician, would that make him a MedicHare?
    • If Daisy Duck got a job driving for United Parcel Service, would she be an UPS-a-Daisy?
    I wouldn’t blame you if you think that sounds Goofy — or Daffy.

    June 15, 2014

  • These two were part of the Not Top Ten

    Occasionally, at this time of year, I see reference to a “class orator” or a “class speaker.”

    Nothing wrong with that — people can call such things whatever they want, as far as I’m concerned — but it makes me wonder. Have “valedictorian” and “salutatorian” become politically incorrect, and I didn’t notice? It may come as a surprise to you, but I really have not kept up with what is politically correct or incorrect. That’s what people tell me, anyway. With some of them, it actually seems to be a compliment.

    June 8, 2014

  • Coming soon to a highway near you?

    People say to me, “Goldy? Can I ask you a stupid question?”

    In theory — and theory only — the correct response is: “The only stupid question is the one you don’t ask.” Not so much. There ARE stupid questions, some of them so stupid that to call them stupid is to damn them with faint praise. Other questions are — on the face of it — legitimate questions, but shouldn’t be treated as such ... not if you subscribe to the same philosophy that I do: Free entertainment is everywhere; all you have to do is wait, and it will come to you.

    June 1, 2014

  • This was a skill that proved very useful

    The Belmont Park stewards have decided to let California Chrome wear his nasal strip during the Run for the Carnations. Nasal strips usually are worn by people who snore and may have saved numerous marriages. It helps the Triple Crown hopeful to breathe, and some twolegged athletes wear nasal strips for the same reason. In this case, Chrome’s nasal strip may keep him from (wait for it) ... losing by a nose.

    May 25, 2014

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