Cumberland Times-News

Jim Goldsworthy - Anything and Everything

May 25, 2013

Something like this would irritate you, too

CUMBERLAND — Why it is, I’m not sure, but it takes a lot more to irritate me than it once did.

Maybe it’s because I’m just getting older and being irritated takes more mental energy than I’m willing to expend, or maybe it’s because I haven’t played golf for several years.

As an unknown fellow once said, were it not for women, work and golf, men would have to find another reason to smoke, drink and swear. (I say this as a man who, on occasion, has given women reason to do those things.)

My recollection is that as they grew older, my dad and Uncle Abe both grew less irritable. They were brothers and, for as different as they seemed as younger men, the more alike they became as they aged — at least in my eyes, and in those of my cousins Cyndy and Craig.

I don’t know that Dad or Abe ever played golf, although they used to caddy for their father. He dragged them along on his days off from the barber shop to play on Horse Lough’s old nine-hole course that stretched across the mountains behind Potomac State College in Keyser.

“God help us,” Dad told me, “if your grandfather hit a ball and we couldn’t find it.”

Past tribulations like this may be one of the reasons neither of them took up the game (which has been described as a good walk spoiled), because my grandfather had the capacity to become spectacularly irritated.

It is possible to become irritated because of someone you love, but without making it personal. You are irritated at the situation — not at the one who caused it.

I was fortunate enough to be present when my grandfather was stretched out in his recliner and his beloved Chihuahua “Pepi” jumped onto his lap, ran up his length and gave him a kiss.

That done, Pepi turned end for end and relieved himself — with my grandfather’s nose at point blank range — of an invisible, but distinctly audible and fragrant case of lower gastrointestinal pressure.

To say that Granddad was irritated would be an understatement of the first water. My laughing hysterically didn’t help matters any.

It would astound me to learn that my grandfather, my father or my uncle ever swore at their wives or in any way threatened them. Just not something they would ever do.

My father did, however, become irritated on occasion because of something my mother had done.

Dad used to drink his coffee with milk and two sugars. Mom drank hers black, with no sugar. (I drink mine black with no sugar or anything else in it, except maybe some Bailey’s.)

When Mom arranged the table for dinner, she would put milk and sugar in Dad’s cup and then fill it with coffee after we sat down to eat. Now and then, she forgot to add the sugar.

Dad would take a taste of it, snort a few times and bellow, “(Two-word Anglo-Saxonism), I’ve been poisoned!”

Never once did I make such an assertion at the table ... although one time I did pick up and eat a piece of food I had dropped on the floor. Mom admonished me, and I replied, “Aw, Mother, if it’s clean enough to walk on, it’s clean enough to eat off of.”

There were other things I did to irritate my parents, but I was smart enough to do most of them only one time.

Most of what irritates me these days involves something I’ve seen on television, and it has nothing to do with acts of stupidity committed by Snooki, the Kardashians or other subjects of so-called reality shows.

I’ve been following the PBS series about the Constitution, hosted by Peter Sagal, and it is — as they say — TV worth watching.

However, one episode referred to the three important freedoms protected by the First Amendment: freedom of speech, religion and the press.

“Wait a minute!” I exclaimed, jumping at least partway out of my recliner (much like my grandfather once did). “What about the rights of the people to peacefully assemble and to petition the government for redress of grievance?”

They’re part of the First Amendment, too, and are just as important as the other three.

Also, maps of America’s colonial period were displayed, and they showed the outline of the state of Virginia as it exists today — without what’s now West Virginia, which was part of Virginia until June 20, 1863.

The History Channel does the same thing. Sometimes it shows West Virginia as part of Virginia during the post-1863 period, or vice-versa.

History has irritated me on other occasions, most notably in what otherwise was a marvelous series on the World War II battles for Leyte Gulf. The computer-generated footage looked like it was produced by high-definition photography.

I enjoyed it until they showed a closeup of an American destroyer flying a 50-star flag.

History also presented what could be described as a Reader’s Digest version of the Bible. It took a few liberties, such as that of leading the viewer to believe that the John who wrote Revelation was the Apostle John. Wrong.

Stupid. Stupid. And it’s usually something so simple. The people who produce these shows are paying a lot of money to expert advisers who are supposed to get things right.

Political correctness that results in a bungled misrepresentation of what is, or is not, also irritates me.

During the 1988 Olympic Games, one of the TV announcers kept referring to sprinter Ben Johnson as an “African-American.”

Finally, one of the other announcers told him, “Ben Johnson is a Canadian.”

When the Capt. Gary and 1Sgt. Goldy go to Little Round Top to act as living historians, we answer a lot of questions from tourists.

If we don’t know the answer, we’re honest and tell them we don’t know ... but we’ll find out.

The biggest danger associated with presenting a politically correct, but incomplete or inaccurate version of history or anything else is that sooner or later, people will find out the truth.

That’s when they’ll start wondering how else they’ve been lied to.

Speaking of history: Tomorrow is Memorial Day. When you meet a veteran or someone who is on active duty, thank him or her for your freedom.

And if your town has a Memorial Day program, it would be a nice idea for you to attend. You’ll feel better for having done so.

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Jim Goldsworthy - Anything and Everything
  • He means well, and this time they spared his life

    Our pal Phil is the only re-enactor certified in writing by both the Lee and Custis families to portray Confederate Gen. Robert E. Lee (whose wife was Mary Anna Custis Lee). When he’s in uniform, he generally stops at the bottom of the path that leads to the summit of Little Round Top, salutes Capt. Gary and First Sgt. Goldy and asks permission to join us. (Get it? Generally ... General Lee?) We always return his salute and grant him permission, in part because he’s our friend and also because the real Lee never got to see what it really looks like from up there. (Get it? Grant ... Grant? U.S. Grant? Real Lee ... really? OK. I hear you. That’s enough. Seriouslee.) Phil gets a kick out of being able to sneak up on us while we’re distracted by tourists.

    July 20, 2014

  • They’d have fallen like Autumn leaves

    So there we were, minding our own business (at least momentarily), leaning against the cannon at Little Round Top.

    July 13, 2014

  • Better read that french fry before you eat it

    People give me otherwise-insignificant items they hope will amuse or inspire me. I appreciate this. I’m always glad for free entertainment, which as Goldy’s Rule 33 says is everywhere. All you have to do is wait and it will come to you. Also, I have been writing columns for 37 years and embrace inspiration anywhere I can find it.

    July 6, 2014

  • The moose is loose, and it’s coming for you

    So how would you like to look out your kitchen door window onto your porch and see a moose looking back at you from close range?

    June 28, 2014

  • There are some debts you can never repay

    Today’s column will be relatively short, as my columns go, for reasons that should become apparent, and I thought long and hard before writing it.

    June 21, 2014

  • It could have saved the county a lot of money

    Random thoughts sometimes occur to me when I least expect it, usually when my brain has become tired.
    When I voice these thoughts at work or in other places, people may tell me, “Goldy? It’s time for you to go home.” Yes, ma’am.
    Here are two random thoughts of recent vintage:
    • If Bugs Bunny were an Emergency Medical Technician, would that make him a MedicHare?
    • If Daisy Duck got a job driving for United Parcel Service, would she be an UPS-a-Daisy?
    I wouldn’t blame you if you think that sounds Goofy — or Daffy.

    June 15, 2014

  • These two were part of the Not Top Ten

    Occasionally, at this time of year, I see reference to a “class orator” or a “class speaker.”

    Nothing wrong with that — people can call such things whatever they want, as far as I’m concerned — but it makes me wonder. Have “valedictorian” and “salutatorian” become politically incorrect, and I didn’t notice? It may come as a surprise to you, but I really have not kept up with what is politically correct or incorrect. That’s what people tell me, anyway. With some of them, it actually seems to be a compliment.

    June 8, 2014

  • Coming soon to a highway near you?

    People say to me, “Goldy? Can I ask you a stupid question?”

    In theory — and theory only — the correct response is: “The only stupid question is the one you don’t ask.” Not so much. There ARE stupid questions, some of them so stupid that to call them stupid is to damn them with faint praise. Other questions are — on the face of it — legitimate questions, but shouldn’t be treated as such ... not if you subscribe to the same philosophy that I do: Free entertainment is everywhere; all you have to do is wait, and it will come to you.

    June 1, 2014

  • This was a skill that proved very useful

    The Belmont Park stewards have decided to let California Chrome wear his nasal strip during the Run for the Carnations. Nasal strips usually are worn by people who snore and may have saved numerous marriages. It helps the Triple Crown hopeful to breathe, and some twolegged athletes wear nasal strips for the same reason. In this case, Chrome’s nasal strip may keep him from (wait for it) ... losing by a nose.

    May 25, 2014

  • He made a big splash by asking this question

    “I don’t know who you were talking to last night,” said Capt. Gary, “but you were talking and moaning in your sleep. Never heard you do that before.” Neither has anyone else, I said. Besides, I had told him not to be surprised if we had visitors. I wasn’t at the top of my game for a couple of days, and he said some of our friends asked him if I was all right. It’s not the first time for this, so now I’ll know to watch out for it. It can affect you and is not something to play around with — as our friend Cathy found out.

    May 18, 2014

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