Published: May 04, 2008 01:06 am      

And the answer is: All of the above

Stu Jackson, the NBA’s lord of discipline, said if the Cleveland Cavaliers’ LeBron James (or is it the LeBron James’ Cleveland Cavaliers?) had hit the Washington Wizards’ Darius Songalia in the face the same way that Songalia hit James in the face during Game 5 of their just-completed playoff series, The Chosen One would have been suspended for Game 6 just as Songalia was.

You believe this, of course. But why?

A.) There is an Easter Bunny and he lives in New Jersey.

B.) Nike told me it was so.

C.) Stu Jackson was visiting the little executives room during Game 1 of the series and didn’t see LeBron elbow the Wizards’ Andray Blatche in the face.

D.) Coach K told Jackson, “LeBron is a great kid.”

E.) All of the above.

Who is that guy who sits in the Baltimore Orioles dugout night-in and night-out and walks out to the pitcher’s mound from time to time?

A.) Captain James T. Kirk

B.) T.J. Hooker

C.) Denny Crane

D.) The Priceline Negotiator

E.) Dave Trembley

F.) All of the above (Have you ever seen any of them in the same room together? Didn’t think so.)

Which person is least likely to wake up in the morning these days, spring out of bed and say, “I can’t wait to see what this new day has to offer!” before breaking into a cheerful rendition of Rodgers & Hammerstein’s “I Have Confidence?”

A.) Miguel Tejada

B.) Roger Clemens

C.) John Daly

D.) All of the above.

In retrospect, should Roger Clemens have said, “Yes, I took steroids. I made a mistake” from the very beginning?

A.) Only if he had taken steroids.

B.) Only if he could live with himself if he really hadn’t taken steroids.

C.) Only if he had a crystal ball and could see how each new day would bring more tawdry allegations concerning his personal life and hobbies.

D.) Until we have proof, we really can’t say.

E.) All of the above.

What very important television advertising campaigns are most likely to lose their very important messages, or at least tempt viewers to rip their TVs from the wall because of the repetitive redundancy (that’s the point) of their airing?

A.) The Ad Council highlighting the importance of good nutrition and physical activity by using the lovable characters and memorable songs from Disney’s “The Jungle Book,” emphasizing the “Bare Necessities” of healthy living.

B.) The U.S. Department of Health & Human Services public service advertisements designed to prevent childhood obesity by encouraging physical activity among children, featuring LPGA players Lorena Ochoa, Karrie Webb and Natalie Gulbis.

C.) All of the above.

You’re an average Joe; not a golf addict. Do you make a point to watch a PGA tournament if Tiger Woods is not in it?

A.) Only if I know I won’t have to bathe the cat during that time period.

B.) No.

C.) All of the above

Do you scratch your head when sports experts refer to point guards as “facilitators?”

A.) No, because Bacal & Associates Business & Management founder Robert Bacal defines a facilitator to be “an individual whose job is to help manage a process of information exchange. While an ‘expert’s’ role is to offer advice, particularly about the content of a discussion, the facilitator’s role is to help with HOW the discussion is proceeding.

“In short, the facilitator’s responsibility is to address the journey, rather than the destination.”

B.) Since the term “walk-off home run” was foisted on us I am impervious to bad broadcasting.

C.) Since Brent Musburger, whose middle name is Woody, spoke his first words into an open microphone I am impervious to bad broadcasting.

D.) Since they put Dennis Miller, who seemingly has no middle name, in the “Monday Night Football” booth I am impervious to bad broadcasting.

E.) Since they put Tony Kornheiser, whose middle name is Irwin, in the “Monday Night Football” booth I am impervious to the sound of fingernails scratching a blackboard.

F.) Since they made Chris Berman the face of ... Oh, never mind.

G.) All of the above.

What team had the best NFL draft?

A.) I’d be lying if I said I knew.

B.) Anybody would be lying if they said they knew.

C.) Might be able to tell you in five years.

D.) We are in the second full month of baseball season. We are in the middle of the NBA and NHL playoffs as well as the NASCAR, golf and horse racing seasons, and each new day brings a sleazy new Roger Clemens disclosure. Who really cares?

E.) All of the above.

Baltimore Orioles players believe there is no way they should have been picked to finish last in the American League East in all of the preseason forecasts. Why were they picked to finish last?

A.) They have no No. 1 starter.

B.) They have no cleanup hitter.

C.) They have no shortstop.

D.) The season is 162 games long.

E.) The Tampa Bay Rays are much better than the Tampa Bay Devil Rays were.

F.) They are rebuilding, and while the Orioles players should be expected to go out there to contend, there is a reason there are so many holes in the current roster. The Orioles are rebuilding and are just where they need to be, whether they are contending in September or not.

G.) All of the above.

Mike Burke is sports editor of the Cumberland Times-News. Write to him at mburke@times-news.com