More news from the great frontier of aging
The older you get, somebody once said, the more things turn into symptoms.

Rusty reports on his first months on job
Call me Rusty.

Bad memories of home ec still persist
My mother couldn’t sew worth a darn — and she couldn’t do that either.

In fall, minds turn to (um) autumn things
Autumn, popularly known as fall, is almost here as I write this, and the signs of it are all around.

Everybody’s an idiot from time to time
Sometimes you just suspect you’re an idiot.

So far so good; now it’s time to hang in there!
Everything you could possibly think of, I thought I thought of.

Memory aids don’t always aid memory
(Maude is sort of enjoying vacation, so you have to read this column from March, 1983.)

He was still a father
Bird lovers only today, please.

Not many whistlers around these days
Don’t you love a whistling man?

The modern dog is looking for a home
Call me Rusty.

The modern dog is looking for a home
Call me Rusty.

Things you learn from your friends in church
It’s about time I cleared up something that has been going on for a long time.

There must be a law about it somewhere
The more I live in this world, the more I think there must be a bunch of laws that regulate matters in ways I cannot even dream of. They may not be written down, but they rule the world.

Floods are no fun, except maybe for kids
With all the rain we’ve been having lately, you can’t help but remember back to the days of the big flood of 1936.

There are some things
Yesterday on the way to church, I had to brake for a robin.

‘On second thought’ happens here a lot
You know how it works.

On returning to college (for a 58th reunion)
Listen, my ancients, and you shall hear of modern developments quite queer: the peculiar habits of everyone raised, as or by Baby Boomers, and you’ll be amazed.

The devil made me do it — two culinary sins
There’s no excuse for what I did last week.

Lively sense of humor
Things never get so bad that you can’t laugh about them.

Passion for toast, rolls and all things bread
When I was young, “Heidi” was one of my favorite books.

Some things don’t add up, even if you’re old
You’d think, at my age, I’d understand a good bit about what goes on in the world these days.

Why make hard choice if you can have both?
This afternoon I was driving west along Route 68 past LaVale, the sun was out, and the hills were the most beautiful I’ve ever seen them.

Would we be better off without scientists?
You know, I’m starting to worry about scientists.

Things we don’t need in the year to come
It’s no wonder we’re in a recession, really.

‘A Christmas Carol’ shapes our traditions
If I see another Christmas cookie recipe, I think I will — not make it.

Only ‘monsters wanted in this brave new world
When I was a pre-teen, I loved it.

Kings and queens must bow to them
O’Toole worked in the lumber yard for 20 years, and all that time he had been stealing the wood and selling it. At last, his conscience began to bother him, and he went to confession to repent.

History can be fun, or at least interesting
Sometimes it seems to me that I am caught up in a continuous argument about history.

Here's another report from way past 50/60
Not many folks in the past ever lived past 50 or 60, so there’s not a lot of evidence around on what it’s like, getting old. From time to time, in this column, I try to fill in the blanks.

Things curious people really want to know
Curiosity killed the cat and it’s not always kind to human beings either.

Consider bugs before they leave for the year
Quick, before summer’s all gone, I have to talk to you about insects.

Just in case I would become president
These days you can’t help wondering what kind of a president you would be.

Here are the summer’s worst TV commercials
Hate to admit it, but one thing I did on vacation this summer was — watch television. Only at night, but still way too much television, especially counting the Olympics.

Giggling: an old family tradition
Deeply embedded in vacation, Maude is reprinting this old column from 2001.

New bathroom tech can be unsettling
Modern technology is beginning to get upsetting, and I’m not just referring to the atomic bomb.

It’s not your father’s life, but don’t say that to me
You know, I really get ticked off sometimes. Well, lots of times, actually, but in this case, it’s when people say, “This (automobile, culture, or whatever) is not your father’s (automobile, culture, or whatever.)” Or your mother’s. Just the other day, in a medical TV show about the modern dangers of sunlight on skin, someone said, “This is not your mother’s sun.”

Sometimes, give up before it’s too late
Yesterday I got a call from an old friend of mine.

Just take everything with a grain of it
You know why old people suffer from high blood pressure?
It’s all that salt.
You know salt.
It’s the stuff that, the older you get, the more you take everything with a grain of it.

It’s all in the way that you look at it
Here’s good news. In England, dogs born after April 6, 2007, will not be allowed into the show ring if their tails are docked.

Enough of reality: Let’s go for happy endings
Personal confession: When I stop by the library these days, I head for the fiction shelf. Right away. Sometimes, I don’t even pause at the hardback fiction, but go at once to the paperbacks, the thrillers and historical romances that seem to be much of what I read nowadays for pleasure.

Enough of reality: Let’s go for happy endings
Personal confession: When I stop by the library these days, I head for the fiction shelf

Mother’s Day, spring teach us many lessons
Oh, how I used to dread Mother’s Day!

It’s time for some people to grow up
Whoa! Don’t take this wrong but the world is getting too adolescent for me to stand anymore. Now, I will understand if you reply, “Hey, it’s my turn to sound off, for a change ... .”
Well, sorry, kid. Remember? I’m the one with the column!

Shocking admission is coming up here
Diplomacy is important in my book, but sometimes it can go too far

Dumbness nowadays: no lack of examples
Honest. I was planning to write this column on dumbness (to go with the last one on niceness) before Eliot Spitzer turned into such a perfect target for sport shooting.

Can you name what’s missing in our world?
This just in: a movie review in the Washington Post that actually called a new movie (“Miss Pettigrew”) “nice” — and then recommended it! Instead of making fun of it! Will wonders never cease?

The sins of our youth, both silly and serious
After a whole column on the old-fogy take on life, today I give equal time to the young folks

Cheerfully passing on the lessons of old age
Here I go again, reporting from the Great Beyond. Beyond 60, that is.

Back in the day when all the cars were new
It’s about time I paid some attention to one of the most formative elements of our culture, and I’m not referring to American Idol.

The birthday card from (wherever)
You really wouldn’t think that a simple little greeting card, under $6 as I remember, would cause such a fuss.

Time for a few jokes from the Internet
As soon as I got up this morning, I knew it was going to be a bad day. Every time I threw something in the waste basket, I missed.
That’s always a tip-off right there.