Published: January 15, 2009 11:34 pm      

Would we be better off without scientists?

You know, I’m starting to worry about scientists.

Now, don’t tell anyone, because my own son is one, and I don’t want to upset him, but honestly, sometimes, I have to wonder whether they don’t get carried away once in a while.

Don’t get me wrong. This is not about global warming. (I know there are some people with genuine doubts about global warming, but I’m not one of them. I think it’s really happening and I think it’s scary. But we can argue about that some other time.)

No, my problem with scientists is that they are so ambitious.

They never just want to settle for figuring out expiration dates on toothpaste, or demoting Pluto. And I think scientists are wonderful when they are working to eradicate cancer, or hepatitis, like my son.

I really admire their advances in so many health areas, and in technology, and geology and astrophysics, and such.

I sometimes have to wonder if these folks are real or else some higher form of thinking creature that I just can’t quite understand. But then I do remember my son, and I know they are real lovable human beings like you and me, only with a lot more smarts.

Still, what I’m worried about is that they are going to get me in one heck of a lot of trouble someday. If I live that long, which is part of the problem.

Did you know that there are scientists who are trying to prolong human life to the point where we could live to be at least 150 years old?

One of these chaps is aiming for forever, but I am not going to add that into my list of worries right now. A hundred fifty is bad enough.

OK, you can drop your eyebrows now. Maybe YOU want to live to be 150, but I certainly don’t. Good grief, it took me long enough to get where I am now (and I’m writing this on my birthday) let alone twice that.

And I’m not even talking about the little matter of whether there’s room in the world for all these people, or how their kids might resent their still being around at the age of 125.

What bothers me is not so much the physical problems, which the scientists claim to be able to abolish. (I doubt that, but of course I am not a scientist.

Still, it seems unlikely to me that 100 or 150 years of living would not have some really really negative effects on one’s body, no matter what treatments they come up with.

And fitness training surely has its limits, which for me start early, by the way, but that’s another story.)

No, I’m talking about the emotional and psychological toll it takes on people living a long time, even in perfectly good health. To live long enough, say, that you cannot stand the prevailing culture of our time.

That you think the 50s were the ideal time to have lived. (Unless you were black.) That you have to zip up your lips not to sound like an old geezer, and often fail. That you feel sort of guilty and stupid that you can’t figure out how to use all those modern Ipods and Blackberries and twittering and things.

And — what’s worse — you don’t even feel guilty that you feel guilty and stupid about all that stuff. You just say “the heck with it,” and read a book.

Judging by present experience, I figure it’ll be maybe 5 to 15 years yet before I feel completely like a fish out of water. Right now I’m in the shallows but still enjoying the swim. Mostly.

But 70 or 80 years more yet? Forget it, all you well-meaning scientists, and please change your specialty to figuring out how one can eat as much as one wants without any bad effects. Now, that would be a boon to humankind! (Although another sad result of old age is that — luckily? — food doesn’t taste as good as it used to and who wants tasteless food over another 70 years?)

Here’s another scientific breakthrough we can do without — the proton collider in Zurich, Switzerland, as shown on a recent 60 Minutes.

I forgot to take notes, but the general conclusion seemed to be that it would change life as we know it. Personally, I am quite happy with life as we know it, and I figure if it’s good enough for me it’s good enough for the rest of the world. (Not counting the miserable ones, who could use some of that scientific attention focused on their own particular problems, like how to take care of each other on this earth instead of blasting everybody into little bits and pieces.)

Then there’s the 60 Minutes program last week that told us scientists have figured out a way to actually read minds. They’ll have it perfected in five years. The scientists all seemed to think this was a good thing. Back to the toothpaste, boys and girls. (Actually, I think the whole solution to my problem is to stop watching 60 Minutes.)

OK, here’s something that made me feel better right away. According to a recent article in the Washington Post, scientists have been spying on dozens of galactic clusters both near and far, and observed that “they are not forming as easily as they did 5 billion years ago.”

Even better, folks, they “found that there is little reason to fear that dark energy will eventually cause a ‘big rip’ that will tear apart everything we see and blow up the smithereens.”

Well, whew.

(Thanks to science, we can soon do it all by ourselves.)

Maude McDaniel is a Cumberland freelance writer. Her column appears on alternate Sundays in the Times-News.