Published: June 05, 2009 09:41 am      

There must be a law about it somewhere

The more I live in this world, the more I think there must be a bunch of laws that regulate matters in ways I cannot even dream of. They may not be written down, but they rule the world.

Otherwise, how do you account for the fact that, on the regular sports news shows, the athletes that are being interviewed almost always answer in monotones? At least, basketball and ice hockey stars do. I did once witness a baseball player (don’t ask who — I wouldn’t want him to get hauled up in front of the authorities for steroids) who answered questions with fervor and flare. It was almost if he actually cared about what he was saying.

Occasionally too, a football player might come up with something he seems to have thought about, and says it with enthusiasm. But the guys who shoot hoops and make goals (maybe it’s got something to do with nets) never seem to be able to get past a huge boundless boredom that they are being asked to appear in front of cameras and actually have an opinion or something.

So there’s gotta be a law. Something like, “If you play basketball, hockey, or soccer, in all interviews appear to be only one yawn away from falling asleep on camera.”

Here’s another law I have noticed lately. “All Chinese waitresses in Chinese restaurants have to be skinny as rails.” I guess that’s to keep you from worrying that you are going to gain weight if you step in the door — which has been my experience, anyway. Wonder where I can pick up a few of those Chinese genes. (I’d hate to think it was actually healthy eating habits — or tremendous self control — that did the trick.)

“All boys under the age of 11 must, under pain of prosecution, wear their shoes untied.” I have a grandson who is obviously really worried about getting hauled up in front of the sheriff for this felony. Once even I, honestly, tripped over his shoelaces.

“All ID numbers, not counting Social Security ones, must have at least 20 characters.” I ordered something once over the phone and when the order clerk gave me the ID number for the completed transaction, I actually fell asleep over the phone before she was finished. And all the ID numbers on your bills? I’m pretty sure I’ve heard that there’s a statistical likelihood that, before you manage to get the ID number all written on your check, the bill will go overdue.

By federal law, “all versions of high fives, fist bumps, head bumps, and chest bumps must be changed once daily.” I think the forms for the day are officially handed out over such venues as FaceBook and MySpace, which accounts for the fact that I can never keep up with them. When I try ( I avoid the head bumps and chest bumps), I have usually finished and turned to leave while the other person is still punching away at the air.

“It is against the law to like dandelions.” Dandelions are considered evil by everyone in the United States except me. Well, off with my head. I like dandelions. I love their bright yellow flowers, and I enjoy blowing the puffy seedheads so that I can have more dandelions later. So there.

The Hannah Montana movies are advertised as “good clean fun for tween girls and their little sisters.” That’s great, but why stop there? Why is there a law that says that “every movie produced for anyone over 13 has to be trashy?” Why does “growing up” these days always mean “growing down” into a cesspool of mud and sleaze? I could use a little good clean fun at the movies for my age group, too, but apparently it’s against the law.

Another law legislates that “animals are the best salesmen,” at least in commercials. How else do you account for Duke, the Bush Beans dog, the AFLAC duck, and the Geico Gecko? Of course, a good dose of humor helps in all cases — an ingredient sadly missing in the newer, pathetic commercials out of Geico featuring a dumb bundle of money with eyes on top. Even the cavemen were more fun than that.

Naturally, some laws are my laws. One of the most helpful laws I ever passed as a mother was this one: “If you are too sick to go to school, you are too sick to watch television.” (Theoretically, that would have included computers, too.) It’s amazing how this one weeds out the seriously lazy. After a single day at home in bed with the lights off, no child of mine ever failed to make a speedy recovery.

The final law for the day is not mine, but written in the stars by fate. You will recognize it at once, and nothing more needs to be said about it.

“If it’s important, you get all red lights.”

Maude McDaniel is a Cumberland freelance writer. Her column appears on alternate Sundays in the Times-News.