Published: November 20, 2008 11:03 pm      

Kings and queens must bow to them

O’Toole worked in the lumber yard for 20 years, and all that time he had been stealing the wood and selling it. At last, his conscience began to bother him, and he went to confession to repent.

“Father,” he said, “it’s been 25 years since my last confession, and I’ve been stealing wood from the lumber yard all that time.”

The priest said, “ I understand, my son. Can you make a Novena?” O’Toole said, “Father, if you have the plans, I’ve got the lumber.”

A married couple was asleep, when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (OK, folks, in the name of equal time, we’re going to make her a brunette) picked it up, listened a moment, and said, “How should I know? That’s 200 miles from here!” and hung up. The husband said, “Who was that?” The wife said, “I don’t know. Some woman wanting to know if the coast was clear.”

Read that one over again, because it’s more subtle than it looks!

And with my apologies to blondes everywhere (including one daughter) I just can’t resist including these “blonde” jokes: A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She takes a gun out of her purse and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, “No, honey, don’t do it” The blonde replies, “Shut up, you’re next!”

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, “Go ahead, and ask me. I know all of them.” A friend says, “OK, what’s the capital of Wisconsin?” The blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy: ‘W.’ “

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? “Is it mine?”

I’ve sure gotten old! I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes, I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

I have poor circulation, can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. I can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. I’ve lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.

A Sunday School teacher said to her children, “We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what’s it is.” A child in the front row said, “Aces!”

Bubba’s pregnant sister was in a car accident that caused her to be in a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, “You had twins — a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.” The woman thinks to herself, “Oh, no, not Bubba!” Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?” “Denise,” the doctor answers. The new mother thinks, “Wow, I like that name — maybe I’ve been too hard on Bubba.” So then she asks the doctor, “And what’s the boy’s name?” The doctor answers, “Denephew.”

Sorry, if you’re not, but I’m a pushover for puns. Good ones and bad ones. An assortment follows:

Police were called to a day care center where a 3-year-old was resisting a rest. The dead batteries were given out free of charge. A bicycle can’t stand alone because it is two tired. A will is a dead giveaway. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered. A lot of money is tainted: “T’aint yours, and ‘t’aint mine.”

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

And finally, a woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to Spain, they name him “Juan”; the other goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.”

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

Happy Thanksgiving!

Maude McDaniel is a Cumberland freelance writer: Her column appears on alternate Sundays in the Times-News.