Published: December 09, 2007 11:02 am         

Here’s good advice from those who know

You really need to accessorize.

At least, that’s what I keep hearing when I turn on my television.

It’s chock full of advice on what to do to make your (choose one) face, body, sex appeal, fitness, toes, wrinkles, house, garden, political opinions, child-raising, religion, and/or attitude more beautiful, graceful, obvious, or sensible. Or else less obvious or sensible, meaning creative. Thus you will become generally acceptable to a certain upper class of experts, with or without any documentary, or even evident, skills in their area of expertise.

Of course, why I can’t just be satisfied with (and respected for) my own choices for living I don’t know. Do I really need to tear up the carpet in my family room just because I am told that hardwood floors are the goal of all being? It suited my particular needs when it was installed and still does. But it’s pretty outdated these days, and so are bordered wallpaper and framed family pictures in a row. (Thought you’d want to know.)

And heaven help the poor dolt who has neglected his curb appeal.

There is hope for us all, however, and lest I forget, I will repeat it right here.

Accessorize.

Now I know what leaps to mind when you hear those words, and, folks, I am so sorry. I have bad news for you. Pink plastic flamingos are no longer available.

At least, that is what a year-old clipping in my possession announces mournfully. At the age of 49, pink plastic flamingos are dead. “Increases in the costs of electricity and plastic resin, combined with a loss of financing” have done ‘em in. Along with many other creatures too gentle to survive in today’s climate, they are extinct.

What then are we to do?

Fully aware of the seriousness of this crisis, I have taken pains to research the millions of catalogs that chose their final resting place at my address. Although none of my selections quite possesses the romance of the pink plastic flamingo, one or more of the following just might meet your accessorizing needs.

“Thinking of You Vases.” You receive a flat length of patterned silver, and then fold it around old bottles you already have. The possibilities of a silver-plated mayonnaise jar blow the mind. Small: $36; large: $40. p.7, Harmony catalog. gaiamliving.com

“Countertop Bag Drier.” 14 inches high, this spiky accessory takes up space on your kitchen counter for you to hang plastic bags on to dry. Nothing wrong with that (except they can dry just as easily without it for an hour or two, and you won’t have spent $19 in the process.) Same catalog as above, but available in many others, thank goodness. And don’t forget the ever present Banana Hanger, which, well, hangs your bananas to ripen. That’s for when they can’t do the job just lying down.

“Space Saver Portable Sauna.” This may indeed be worth every penny, but somehow it strikes me funny. Maybe it’s the picture of a smiling woman, yes, wearing a sauna. You “perspire at a lower temperature than conventional saunas,” which sounds a little iffy right off, but never mind. The “Complete set includes pouches to hold your TV remote or mobile phone, a remote control, a folding chair, a convenient storage/ travel bag,” and, luckily, “complete instructions.” Whew! $359.98, fulloflife.com.

The same catalog, along with many others, offers a “Dayclock,” for “When You Only Need To Know What Day It Is.” Seems to me, if that’s your problem, it calls for a little more than a dayclock but what do I know? This one costs $39.98, and is happy to point to Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, etc. to help you in your time of need. Noon markers included. fullof life .com

Whimsical Tree Faces Tickle Your Funny Bone. These are all over the catalogs; some have pages full of them. Of corse, before giving in to this temptation, one should consider carefully what emotional damage a male face might do to, say, a female tree? You have to think of these things. $19.95 windandweather.com

Wigs For Dogs. Seen in a news release so I have no internet go-to for this one, sorry. But it’s said to cost “from $18 to hundreds of dollars.” I’ll let you know if I get further information on that.

Martin Luther Bobblehead. This suggestion is for Lutherans only, or Catholics who want to get even. I got one two years ago for a brother who is a Lutheran minister. The perfect accessory for your family room, it was under $20 then. prettygoodgoods.org.

I loved it.

My brother never said.

Maude McDaniel is a Cumberland freelance writer. Her column appears in the Times-News on alternate Sundays.