Cumberland Times-News

June 30, 2012

A few laughs never hurt anyone — much

Maude McDaniel, Columnist
Cumberland Times-News

— It’s about that time of the year — for me to shamelessly copy some of the best (printable) jokes of the year from the Internet. Hope some of these, at least, are new to you, and even if only one makes you laugh, well, that’s one more laugh than before you read it, right?

Kevin walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: “Shingles.” So she wrote down his name, address, and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, “Shingles” So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, “Shingles.” So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, “Shingles.” The doctor asked, “Where?” Kevin said, “Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload ‘em?”

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man’s heart beats faster, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees and he thinks irrationally. Ever wonder why? It’s because she smells like a new truck!

I try to take things one day at a time but sometimes several days attack me at once.

Living on earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

The man of the house had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be The Man Of Your House.” He went to his wife and announced, “From now on you need to know that I am the man of the house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight and when I am finished with it, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert, After dinner you will draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. The you will massage my legs and arms and back. Then tomorrow guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?” The wife replied, “The funeral director would be my first guess.”

And let’s go on to some answers from our kids’ GED tests that will make you think twice about the future of our country. The 16-year-olds who came up with these answers will be running the place in a few years

• Q. What are the four seasons? A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar,

• Q. How can you delay milk from turning sour? A. Keep it in the cow.

• Q. What is a seizure? A. A Roman Emperor.

• Q. What is a terminal illness? A. When you get sick at the airport.

• Q. What does the word “benign” mean? A. Benign, is what you will be after you are eight.

• Q. What is a turbine? A. It’s what an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

• Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized? (e.g. the abdomen) A. The body is consisted into three parts, the brainium, the borax, and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

I’ve sure gotten old! I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind; can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine. I take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island. It turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

Maude McDaniel is a Cumberland freelance writer. Her column appears in the Times-News on alternate Sundays.