Cumberland Times-News

Maude McDaniel - Living

July 30, 2011

Some cool jokes for this hot weather

— Hot weather means joke time, so here are the latest good ones, from my joke bank. (And thanks to all my e-mail friends who make regular deposits there.)

***

A man rushed into a busy doctor’s surgery and shouted, “Doctor, I think I’m shrinking.!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”

***

A mature (over 70) lady gets pulled over for speeding.

ML: “Is there a problem, Officer?”

Officer: “Ma,am, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?”

ML: “Sure, but I don’t have one. I lost it four years ago for drunk driving.”

Officer: “OK. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?”

ML: “Sorry, I can’t do that?”

Officer: “You can’t do that?’

ML: “I stole this car.”

Officer: “You stole it?”

ML: “Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner too.”

Officer: “You what?”

ML: “His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.”

The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for backup. Within minutes, five police cars circle the scene. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

Officer 2: “Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!” “The woman steps out.

ML: “Is there a problem, officer?”

Officer 2: “One of my officers told me you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Please open the trunk of your car.”

ML opens the trunk revealing that it is empty.

Officer 2: “Is this your car, ma’am?”

ML: “Yes, here are my papers.”

The officer is stunned. “My officer told me you do not have a driving license.”

Officer 2 examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: “Thank you Ma’am. My officer told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.”

ML: “Bet the liar told you I was speeding too.”

***

The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75 per cent of the population.

***

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

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You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

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So did you hear about the dyslexic insomniac agnostic? He stayed awake all night wondering if there really was a dog.

***

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed, listening to the next door neighbor’s dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours. The blonde jumps out of bed and says, “I’ve had enough of this.” She goes downstairs. When she finally comes back, her husband says, “The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?” The blonde says, “I put the dog in our backyard. Let’s see how THEY like it.!”

***

Here’s Gracie Allen’s recipe for roast beef (For my reader who is out of it, Gracie Allen was a comedian of the 1930s and 1940s.) “You buy one large and one small beef roast. Put in the oven. When the small one is burned, the large one is done.” (She may have been the first blonde.)

***

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

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And here are some goodies, said to be from Will Rogers (Do I really need to tell you that he was one of the most outstanding humorists of the early 20th century?) Never squat while wearing your spurs. Never slap a man while he’s chewing tobacco. When you are dissatisfied and want to go back to your youth — remember algebra.

***

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Maude McDaniel - Living
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