Cumberland Times-News

Maude McDaniel - Living

July 30, 2011

Some cool jokes for this hot weather

— Hot weather means joke time, so here are the latest good ones, from my joke bank. (And thanks to all my e-mail friends who make regular deposits there.)


A man rushed into a busy doctor’s surgery and shouted, “Doctor, I think I’m shrinking.!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”


A mature (over 70) lady gets pulled over for speeding.

ML: “Is there a problem, Officer?”

Officer: “Ma,am, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?”

ML: “Sure, but I don’t have one. I lost it four years ago for drunk driving.”

Officer: “OK. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?”

ML: “Sorry, I can’t do that?”

Officer: “You can’t do that?’

ML: “I stole this car.”

Officer: “You stole it?”

ML: “Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner too.”

Officer: “You what?”

ML: “His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.”

The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for backup. Within minutes, five police cars circle the scene. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

Officer 2: “Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!” “The woman steps out.

ML: “Is there a problem, officer?”

Officer 2: “One of my officers told me you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Please open the trunk of your car.”

ML opens the trunk revealing that it is empty.

Officer 2: “Is this your car, ma’am?”

ML: “Yes, here are my papers.”

The officer is stunned. “My officer told me you do not have a driving license.”

Officer 2 examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: “Thank you Ma’am. My officer told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.”

ML: “Bet the liar told you I was speeding too.”


The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75 per cent of the population.


A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.


You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.


So did you hear about the dyslexic insomniac agnostic? He stayed awake all night wondering if there really was a dog.


A blonde and her husband are lying in bed, listening to the next door neighbor’s dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours. The blonde jumps out of bed and says, “I’ve had enough of this.” She goes downstairs. When she finally comes back, her husband says, “The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?” The blonde says, “I put the dog in our backyard. Let’s see how THEY like it.!”


Here’s Gracie Allen’s recipe for roast beef (For my reader who is out of it, Gracie Allen was a comedian of the 1930s and 1940s.) “You buy one large and one small beef roast. Put in the oven. When the small one is burned, the large one is done.” (She may have been the first blonde.)


If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.


And here are some goodies, said to be from Will Rogers (Do I really need to tell you that he was one of the most outstanding humorists of the early 20th century?) Never squat while wearing your spurs. Never slap a man while he’s chewing tobacco. When you are dissatisfied and want to go back to your youth — remember algebra.


Text Only
Maude McDaniel - Living
  • July gotcha down? Maybe these will help

    •In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m. all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

    July 13, 2014

  • Hiccup cure you may find hard to swallow

    Let’s give a cheer for one of the things in the human experience that the scientific researchers haven’t fully figured out yet: how to cure hiccups! Somehow it kind of restores your faith in the world, doesn’t it?
    But don’t think they haven’t tried.

    June 28, 2014

  • She learned to laugh with relatives’ help

    Sometimes there are people in our lives whom we have never credited with all the influence they had on us when we were growing up.And now it is too late to thank them personally. I am about 50 years past due on this one (or two) but maybe somehow, somewhere they will get a hint of it — and — smile. Fondly, I think..

    June 15, 2014

  • Signs of aging and what comes with it

    It’s been awhile since I last informed you of new signs of old age, and meanwhile none of us have gotten any younger. (I’m working on it, I’m working on it.) I find one of the best things I can do to stay young is to read the obituaries. It reminds you that you are still alive and there are times in one’s life when that can be a serious concern. Of course, the trick is to avoid reading the obituaries for people you know, first checking the pictures for familiar faces. But for the folks you never met, they are remarkably invigorating, especially if they were older than you are. It gives you a goal in life — and we all need goals, right?

    June 1, 2014

  • Torn between failing in two different fields

    Which do I like better, singing or writing?
    That's a tough question to answer.
    Singing's got it all over writing as far as when I started (at about 5 in the church choir) but writing is certainly a close second. I have somewhere a collection of poems that I wrote from about eight on and I have the feeling that they are lost for a reason! As I remember, they were pretty awful, not at all the kind of effort an aspiring writer would be proud to quote 75 years later!

    May 19, 2014

  • Bad habits are hard to eliminate — but try

    Somebody mentioned smoking on these pages recently, so I thought I'd put in my own two cents on the subject. I started smoking in college, during exam week. The problem was that I was too busy during the rest of the year ever to stop and study for my courses — at least that is what I told myself — because I worked almost every night on the college newspaper. So when exam time kicked in, I threw some all-nighters for study. And the best way to stay awake all night (especially if you don't regularly smoke) is to, well, smoke.

    May 4, 2014

  • Trivial questions you don’t have to answer

    Every so often in this life, my mind, all on its own, generates questions that have no real answers. So I have decided to pass them on to you. I’m tired of them. If you come up with any answers, let me know. Remember when TV jealously guarded the time zone before 9 p.m. for wholesome shows that children could watch. My gosh, how many years ago was that? It seems like another world nowadays, when you can see murders, torture and rape, or those implied, every hour on the hour, somewhere on your public screen. It might be comforting then, to remember that most children nowadays are glued to their little machines with whole different worlds on them, that they can access all day long. Except that in these different worlds they also can view murders, torture and rape on demand.

    April 20, 2014

  • Rusty writes about the nature of doghood

    I am a dog.
    Therefore I bark.
    I don’t understand why it is so hard for humans to understand this.
    I mean, there are certain things that come with the territory, right?

    April 5, 2014

  • Free-range reminiscing and occasional nostalgia

    When I was in grade school, (many more years ago than when either of you were in grade school) my daily winter (fall, spring) routine included walking to school across a railroad track.

    March 22, 2014

  • Beatles return us to what might have been

    Here’s a a free gift from Goldy (to your left), and it should get us going with a good laugh, that both my readers will approve of. Then, after that (fair warning) I am going to turn a little sour.

    March 8, 2014

Latest news
Must Read
House Ads