Cumberland Times-News

January 1, 2012

Here are a few laughs to start the new year

Maude McDaniel, Columnist
Cumberland Times-News

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Nothing’s better to start out a new year with than jokes! Even if they are other people’s jokes. And some of these are not so much laugh out loud, as just wry observations on the world. But then that’s what the best humor is often about!
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical document that, I swear, honest to goodness, I did not make any changes to.
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
How many times is it appropriate for us old deaf folks to say, “What?” before we just nod and smile because we still didn’t hear or understand a word that was said?
Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers, and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!”
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize — you’re wrong.
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed between the pages. “Mom, look what I found,” he called out, “What is it, son?” He said, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear.”
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. I had not thought of that before, but now that you mention it -
John went to visit his grandfather and, after spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning the old man prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs, and toast. However, John noticed a smeary substance on his plate and questioned his grandfather asking, “Are these plates clean?” His grandfather replied “They’re as clean as hot water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny.” 
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again John was concerned about the plates, which still looked a little smeary. He asked, “Are you sure these plates are clean?” Without looking up, the old man said, “I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as hot water can get them. Now don’t fret! I don’t want to hear another word about them.” 
Later that afternoon, it was time for John to leave, and, as he walked out the door, his grandfather’s dog started to growl and wouldn’t let him pass. John said, “Grandpa, your dog won’t let me get to my car.” Disgusted, the old man yelled at his dog, “Hotwater, go lay down now, yah hear me?”
What hair color do they put on the drivers’ licenses of men who are bald?
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Last (thanks to an old friend, I think), two robins were sitting in a tree. “I’m really hungry,” said the first one. “Me, too,” said the second one. “Let’s fly down and find some lunch.” 
They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate until they could eat no more. “I’m so full, I don’t think I can fly back up to the tree,” said the first robin. “Me, either. Let’s just lie here and bask in the warm sun.” said the second. 
They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner did they fall asleep than a big fat tomcat found them and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, “I just love baskin’ robins.”
A Happy New Year!
Maude McDaniel is a Cumberland freelance writer. Her column appears in the Times-News on alternate Sundays.