Cumberland Times-News

December 28, 2013

Who thinks these things up, anyway?

Maude McDaniel, Columnist
Cumberland Times-News

— Here are some of the best jokes (of the email world) in 2013. Have a Happy New Year, as I plan to!

• A woman went through a red traffic light and crashed into a man’s car. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.” The man replied,” I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God! The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?” She replies, “Nah. I think I’ll just wait for the police.”

• How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

• What was the best thing before sliced bread?

• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

• With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

“May I see the new baby?” I asked. “Not yet,” she said. “I’ll make coffee and we can talk for a while first.” Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, “May I see the new baby now?” “No, not yet,” she said.

After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, “May I see the baby now?” “No, not yet,” replied my friend. Growing very impatient, I asked, “Well, when can I see the baby?” “When he cries!” she told me. When he cries?” I demanded. “Why do I have to wait until he cries?” “Because I forgot where I put him, OK?”

• If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

• The main reason that Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

• If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

• If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

• Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

• Two blondes walk into a building ... you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

• If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

• Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

• One tequila, two tequila, three tequila ... floor.

• How is it possible to have a civil war?

• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

• Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have “s” in it?

• Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “asteroids?

• A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. “My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?” “Well,” said the vet, “let’s have a look at him” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What? Because he’s cross-eyed?” “No, because he’s really heavy.”

• Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

• Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

• Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

• What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

• Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.

• If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

• Ireland ‘s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2,826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Maude McDaniel is a Cumberland freelance writer. Her column appears on alternate Sundays in the Times-News.