Cumberland Times-News

Maude McDaniel - Living

June 4, 2011

Better not read this if you don’t like puns

— Ewe otter know by now how much I love animals. Lemming tell you, I don’t want to boar you, but any time you want to weasel your way into my good graces, I’m a sucker for dog stories.

No, I don’t want you to toady up to me, just come right out and tell me about your dog. Or cat, of course. Before you know it. I’ll be lapin it up. Just pony up your pet story and I might even be able to whippet into shape for this column someday.

Sometimes I feel sheepish about my love for animals, because, of course, not even dogs are perfect, as deer as they are. Some have no problem piscine all over the place, while others badger their humans for treats all the time, until you can hardly bear them.

Most of them wolf down their food with no table manuls at all. (Hey, it’s in the book, so I’m using it). A few will squirrel away food for rainy dace, while many of them gobbler down everything they find pasang by.

Not to snipe about it, but when did people get so gullible that they started to swallow the idea that animals don’t have feelings like people do? Owl tell you one thing, I’ve had eight dogs in my lifetime, and every one of them had more feelings than Osama Bin Llama, so there.

The big wahoos of science don’t like to anthropomorphize animals. That’s their bully word for crowing about how people like to find human qualitites in animals, and they grouse about it all the time. I think they’re carping about the fact that most scientists believe in some fluke of evolution (as I do in general), that turns out very different creatures, all of whom ahare their bassic condition of existence. It sounds aukward to me, but they seem to be saying that it’s OK to say that people are like animals, but not that animals are like people. Hmmm, some underlying lynx of logic are missing there.

But then all of us are skateing on thin ice, as far as animals are concerned. We like them in their plaice, which is heron earth with us, but we are not on good terns with them anymore. We think an ocelot more about ourselves than we do about them.

I suppose I’ll cachalot of grief just because I believe animals do have feelings. I’m sika tired of herring that they don’t. They can’t put their paws on them but they ferret them out somehow. I don’t want to flounder around too much here, but I’m shrewed enough to notice that, moray and moray, Rusty likes to be with peba-l. Open the back door, and indigoes right away into the house. So much for the rabbits and deer and mice and neighbor dogs outside.

Canary of my readers bat an ayeaye about the hardest problem for an animal-lover?

It’s being a carnivore. I get ticked off at people who pig out on meat and rail at vegetarians, as much as I do at the vegetarians who harrier meat-eaters, a habit which is after all a human inhareitance. I vulture to say that I duck the whole argument myself. (I do apologize to the animal I’m eating though.)

The cardinal rule in life is simply to be porpoiseful. Don’t be bittern or boa-ing, but have good in-tench-ions. Don’t lark around or go puffin yourself up, or be a piker or a sloth, or wallaby the wayside. You toucan goby the straight way. That bugs some and buffaloes the rest. And cut the crappie.

Cruelty toward animals really gets my goat. I know that’s not gnu; for years I’ve wanted to gopher anybody who mistreats them — and I’m not lion. I assume both of my rheaders feel the same way. I’d like to give a shiner to anyone I see hurting innocent creatures.

I think koala the time about how innocent animals are. What a shame some people gannet ever egret human cruelty to them, like dog racers, rodeo performers, and matadors. Albatross Perot himself was never so bullheaded. I am not chewink out my readers about this — I know you both horse around a lot, but I would never accuse you of robin Peter to pay Poll, even if I were raven mad.

Before iguana my way, I must say one moa thing, and then I’ll stop yakking.

I’ve had a whale of a time, but after this column, I think I’m going to have to take it on the lamb, for a few days. (That is, vamoose.)

And not a marmot too soon!

Maude McDaniel is a Cumberland freelance writer. Her column appears on alternate Sundays in the Times-News.

1
Text Only
Maude McDaniel - Living
  • Very first memories of a very long life

    July 27, 2014

  • July gotcha down? Maybe these will help

    •In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m. all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

    July 13, 2014

  • Hiccup cure you may find hard to swallow

    Let’s give a cheer for one of the things in the human experience that the scientific researchers haven’t fully figured out yet: how to cure hiccups! Somehow it kind of restores your faith in the world, doesn’t it?
    But don’t think they haven’t tried.

    June 28, 2014

  • She learned to laugh with relatives’ help

    Sometimes there are people in our lives whom we have never credited with all the influence they had on us when we were growing up.And now it is too late to thank them personally. I am about 50 years past due on this one (or two) but maybe somehow, somewhere they will get a hint of it — and — smile. Fondly, I think..

    June 15, 2014

  • Signs of aging and what comes with it

    It’s been awhile since I last informed you of new signs of old age, and meanwhile none of us have gotten any younger. (I’m working on it, I’m working on it.) I find one of the best things I can do to stay young is to read the obituaries. It reminds you that you are still alive and there are times in one’s life when that can be a serious concern. Of course, the trick is to avoid reading the obituaries for people you know, first checking the pictures for familiar faces. But for the folks you never met, they are remarkably invigorating, especially if they were older than you are. It gives you a goal in life — and we all need goals, right?

    June 1, 2014

  • Torn between failing in two different fields

    Which do I like better, singing or writing?
    That's a tough question to answer.
    Singing's got it all over writing as far as when I started (at about 5 in the church choir) but writing is certainly a close second. I have somewhere a collection of poems that I wrote from about eight on and I have the feeling that they are lost for a reason! As I remember, they were pretty awful, not at all the kind of effort an aspiring writer would be proud to quote 75 years later!

    May 19, 2014

  • Bad habits are hard to eliminate — but try

    Somebody mentioned smoking on these pages recently, so I thought I'd put in my own two cents on the subject. I started smoking in college, during exam week. The problem was that I was too busy during the rest of the year ever to stop and study for my courses — at least that is what I told myself — because I worked almost every night on the college newspaper. So when exam time kicked in, I threw some all-nighters for study. And the best way to stay awake all night (especially if you don't regularly smoke) is to, well, smoke.

    May 4, 2014

  • Trivial questions you don’t have to answer

    Every so often in this life, my mind, all on its own, generates questions that have no real answers. So I have decided to pass them on to you. I’m tired of them. If you come up with any answers, let me know. Remember when TV jealously guarded the time zone before 9 p.m. for wholesome shows that children could watch. My gosh, how many years ago was that? It seems like another world nowadays, when you can see murders, torture and rape, or those implied, every hour on the hour, somewhere on your public screen. It might be comforting then, to remember that most children nowadays are glued to their little machines with whole different worlds on them, that they can access all day long. Except that in these different worlds they also can view murders, torture and rape on demand.

    April 20, 2014

  • Rusty writes about the nature of doghood

    I am a dog.
    Therefore I bark.
    I don’t understand why it is so hard for humans to understand this.
    I mean, there are certain things that come with the territory, right?

    April 5, 2014

  • Free-range reminiscing and occasional nostalgia

    When I was in grade school, (many more years ago than when either of you were in grade school) my daily winter (fall, spring) routine included walking to school across a railroad track.

    March 22, 2014

Latest news
Facebook
Must Read
House Ads