Cumberland Times-News

December 1, 2012

Holiday season is a time for more jokes

Maude McDaniel, Columnist
Cumberland Times-News

— Thank heaven for jokes. Not only do they make me laugh — they give me a column to write over the busy holiday period. When you’re having 20 for Thanksgiving dinner (down from about 30 last year), you tend to try to find a quick column before you cook the giblets. Anyway, read these and, I hope, laugh, but I wouldn’t bet the turkey on it.  

• One of my favorite comic strips, “Frank and Earnest” recently: two chicks are breaking through their shells; one pokes his head out, and says to the other; “Well, this answers a lot of my questions.” (No, I can’t explain why I think this is so funny, but I do!)

• Working as a pediatric nurse, she had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day, she entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. “No, no, no!’ Lizzie screamed. “Lizzie,” scolded her mother, “that’s not polite behavior.” So Lizzie yelled even louder, “No, thank you! No, thank you!”

• Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

• His wife’s graveside service was just barely finished when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and said calmly, “Well, she’s there.”

• Three friends from the local congregation were asked, “When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?” Artie said, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.” Eugene commented, “I would like them to say I was a fantastic teacher and servant of God who made a big difference in their lives.” Al said, “I’d like them to say, ‘Look, he’s moving.’ ”

• This is an equal opportunity column. That means not a single one of our blond jokes is about women this time.

• A friend told the blond man, “Christmas is on a Friday this year. The blond man said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”

• A blond man goes to the vet with his goldfish. “I think it’s got epilepsy.” he says. The vet takes a look and says, “It seems pretty calm to me.” The blond says, “Wait, I haven’t taken it out of the water yet.”

• A blond man’s dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says “Why don’t you put an ad in the paper?” He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. “What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks. “Here, boy!” he replies.  

• A blond man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. “Just what are you doing?” he asks. “Hanging myself,” the blond replies. “It should be around your neck,” says the guard. “I tried that,” he replies, “but then I couldn’t breathe.”  

• A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND.” He spends the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

• A blond man shouts frantically into the phone “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first child?” asks the doctor. “No!” he shouts, “this is her husband!”

• I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job? She couldn’t control her pupils.

• Four Observations About Life

1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time. It’s a physical impossibility.

2. All idiots, after reading #1, will try it.

3. And discover #1 is a lie.

4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.

Maude McDaniel is a Cumberland freelance writer. Her column appears in the Times-News on alternate Sundays.