Published: March 23, 2008 12:38 am         

On the third day, he tore up his bracket

It’s the height of March and, naturally, folks tend to be pretty much one-tracked these days. For instance ...

Ralphie: “Hey, pally, you look a little groggy today.”

Norton: “Well, I went out last night to a place that had the Maryland game. Yeah, I know it’s only the NIT, but, heck, that’s my school, they’re my team, so if they play in the Gold Medal tournament, I’m going to watch them.”

Ralphie: “What happened?”

Norton: “Same old same old. They played well for 25 minutes, and boom, the bottom falls out.”

Ralphie: “Did you watch the Duke-Belmont game?”

Norton: “It was on. I watched it. Sure. Some game.”

Ralphie: “Sure was.

“Okay, then, take it easy. Get some rest.”

Norton: “I will, thanks. My love to Alice.”

Fair enough. But then we have ...

Bill: “Morning, Sugar. What’s for breakfast?”

Hillary: “Honestly, Bill, I have better things to do than fix you breakfast at 12:30 in the afternoon.

“And don’t call me Sugar!”

Bill: “Now what’s the matter?”

Hillary: “Oh, nothing’s the matter. I’ve lived hand to mouth during the rush of the primaries while Barack’s outspending me and putting money in the bank at the same time.

“Our passport records have been improperly accessed by the State Department, and we’ve been trying to clarify comments you made questioning Barack’s patriotism, with his people likening you to Joe McCarthy.

“Here ... Don’t you read the newspaper?”

Bill: “Oh, right. Where is the paper?”

(Bill shuffles through the newspaper.)

“Awwwww, no! Oh my, God, no! This can’t be. This just isn’t right!”

Hillary: “I told you.”

Bill: “UConn lost to San Diego? Man, that sends my bracket to high hell.”

Then there are the friends who meet for drinks once a week ...

Joe: “Hey, what’s up?”

Jack: “You name it. I quit my job on Tuesday and it wasn’t on good terms, so I can forget about getting any kind of a good reference from them because I told The Man exactly how useless he truly is.

“I think I’m going to have to move. I’m down to my last three eggs, a can of Chunky, and two boxes of macaroni and cheese. I have to hide the car in a church parking lot four blocks from the house so Repo doesn’t find it. But that’s fine, because I walk everywhere since I don’t have a job and can’t afford the gas.

“My health and general appearance are falling faster than a mudslide. I mean, look at me. If I didn’t have four magazine subscriptions and make donations to the Democratic National Committee I wouldn’t have a stitch of clothing to wear.

“Plus ... If that’s not enough, I am, as the great Richard Pryor once said, in love with a woman I can’t stand.”

Joe (draping his sport coat around the back of the bar stool): “I had 14 of 16 on my bracket last night, baby!”

Then there are the fans who are actually lucky enough to have their school in the Madness.

Day 1 of the tournament: “Digger Phelps is giving us no chance. In fact, he doesn’t even think we should be in the tournament. What’s that all about?

“Then there’s Vitale. You’re right about him. I mean, why doesn’t he just marry Coach K? You’re right. I see that now. That’s just not right.”

Day 2, with his team still alive: “Did you watch the Western Kentucky game? No? You had to work? Unbelievable, man. Just unbelievable. That was great, but they ain’t beatin’ UCLA.

“Tennessee? I got Tennessee all the way to the Final Four. In fact I got an all-Tennessee final: Memphis and Tennessee. Memphis and Tennessee are both in Tennessee, see, so I got an all-Tennessee final.

“What time is our game on tonight? Is it one of the late games? What time do we play? Is CBS even going to show it? How do they do that, anyway? Shouldn’t they, like, show more games? You can watch it on the Internet, right? Maybe I’ll do that. If it’s not on CBS from the beginning, I’ll just watch it on the computer. I have a computer at the house.

“What? You carry your bracket around with you? What if you lose it? You actually cross off the teams that lost and highlight your teams that won? That’s kind of encumbering, isn’t it? Who has the time? Kind of high school, too, if you ask me. Oh, you didn’t ask?

“I keep track of mine on the computer. All I have to do is call it up. I have six different brackets on the computer. It’s pretty neat. All you have to do is call it up. You can save it, and it comes right up.

“What time is that Memphis-Michigan State game? How overrated is Michigan State? In a way, they’re kind of like Duke. Now that I see them, I think you’re definitely right about that.

“I have Memphis in the final. Memphis and Tennessee.”

Four days after his team has been eliminated from the Madness, when asked what time the Elite Eight coverage begins on CBS: “Wouldn’t know. It’s baseball season.”

Contact Mike Burke at mburke@times-news.com.