You're so vain ...

Mike Burke
Cumberland Times-News

May 02, 2008 11:16 am

— I find it mildly amusing that Sam Perlozzo's buddy, Miami Dolphins executive vice president Bill Parcells of all people, would be miffed at Dolphins defensive end Jason Taylor, who I understand has become quite the network TV star this offseason from his performances on "Dancing With the Stars." But Big Fat Parcells is indeed unhappy with Taylor because he believes the player has been too focused on his budding Hollywood career rather than being back in Florida working out with teammates.
And Parcells has always put the interest of the team first and foremost over his self-worth? Please. In the last 20 years, nobody in the NFL - underline nobody - has invested more of himself into shameless self-promotion than Bill Parcells - one of the giants. Right up there with Walsh, Gibbs, Ditka, Shula and Lombardi. At least that's what he wrote in his book twenty-some years ago after the New York Giants won the Super Bowl under his rule.
Look, the guy was a heck of a good football coach, and I'm not saying he's vain, but he seems to be the type who would hand out pictures of himself as Christmas gifts - and keep the biggest one for himself.
(Which brings to mind the time former Dodgers Jack Armstrong/first baseman Steve Garvey signed his child's birthday card, "Best wishes, Steve Garvey.")
Hey, I'm not saying Bill Parcells is vain, but I'm sure deep down (well, not so deep down) he likes to believe he's the one Carly Simon wrote the song about.
Actually, I am saying he's vain. Remember, as coach of the Dallas Cowboys, when he colored his gray hair ... blond!? He's constantly tried to make himself the lightning rod for attention, and he just can't stand it when somebody else is getting more attention than he is.
Wait until the NFL season starts. There are going to be orders handed down to have at least one TV camera trained on him during Dolphins games while he sits in the executive box - his hat strategically dipped below one eye; his scarf, it will be apricot - and plays brilliant. No need to put those cameras on the players when you've got the Big Dolphin, er, I mean the Big Tuna, in the stadium.
Blech!
Since Parcells was hired to make the Dolphins great again and embarked on a complete rebuilding of the team, trade rumors concerning Taylor have abounded, hitting their peak during draft weekend. But Taylor's not going anywhere because the Dolphins realize how good he still is and were asking for entirely too much in return. They knew what they were doing, so what I think we have here, what with the cold shoulder treatment Taylor is receiving from Parcells, is one of the old Tuna motivational ploys, which actually used to work.
Remember when Parcells referred to Terry Glenn as "she?" Glenn took the bait, did what he was told to do and eventually became "a Parcells guy."
Blech!
Of course, like I said, it used to work. His motivational tactics with "the player," a.k.a. Terrell Owens, didn't seem to pan out, after all, until Parcells was safely out of Dallas. So it's no wonder Parcells didn't want Owens in Dallas. He knew T.O.'s ego and need to be seen were at least as insatiable as his own. And guess what? T.O.'s ego won. Just as Bob Kraft's did in New England.
Hey, if the Dolphins really believe they've got something in Parcells, more power to them. After he left the Giants, with stops at NBC and ESPN littered in, the New England Patriots thought they had something, the New York Jets thought they had something, and the Cowboys thought they had something. But since he bolted the Giants, the Patriots, in fact, are the only team that actually has anything: three Super Bowl championships in four years - all three being won long after Bill Parcells again followed yonder star, which is normally located over a major metropolitan area.
Pity the poor fools in Tampa and Atlanta who even for a moment believed there was a chance Parcells would wind up in either place when both organizations lavished him with recruiting gifts (promises of complete power) and fed his massive ego with hosannas on the highest during his "I Want To Buy The Groceries Since I'm Making The Dinner" free-agent tours.
Reggie Jackson, the most famous free agent of all, once said, "I didn't come to New York to become a star. I brought my star with me."
Beneath the moon over Miami, Big Tuna, who left New York twice, is still trying to make his star. Or at least make it the only one in the room.
I hope Jason Taylor wins an Emmy.
Contact Mike Burke at mburke@times-news.com.

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