Published: June 29, 2008 12:58 am         

Why I never made it to Madison Ave.

This land is your land, this land is my land

From Garrett County, to the Sharpsin Island

From the streets of ’Coney, to the Chesapeake waters

This land was made by a two-pit advertising campaign.

Birdland?

This is Birdland?

That’s what we have to be reminded of every night during this very exciting, very surprising and very interesting Baltimore Orioles season?

“This is Birdland,” the slogan goes, and that this is all the handsomely-paid ad execs could come up with over the offseason, it should tell us that not even the folks in the B&O Warehouse were expecting too many wins this season.

This is Birdland? I think there’s a reason there is likely only one “land” in baseball.

In the country of the American League East, for instance, I’ve not heard of Sawxland, Rayland (although I always thought Ray Milland had some fine moments on screen), Jayland, Bomberland (no, Cumberland’s part of Birdland), or Yankland.

There is no Pale Hoseland in the Central, nor a Twinland because that sounds like a garden apartment complex. There is no Tribeland, there is no Royalland, and there is no Tigerland.

Where is Haloland, in Anaheim? How about Aland, Rangerland, or Mland (how Ray Milland spelled his name after filming “Lost Weekend)?

We could have Philland in the N.L. East, but the Millands’ mailman is confused enough. Since Finland was probably taken, how about Marlinland? There could be Braveland, but Mel Gibson would likely file suit. Metland? No, too insurancy. And, of course, just down the Parkway from Birdland there is Natland, which makes me want to swat at my sweaty brow just thinking about it.

Cubbieland can be found in the N.L. Central, along with Redbirdland, where Communist bloc birds celebrate their muscle on May Day. How about Brew Crewland? Strosland (from one beer lover to another?), Buccoland, and Redland, where the team is managed by Patrick Swayze.

Then, of course, out west we have D-backland, Dodgerland, Giantland, Friarland and Rockland, which once housed a federal penitentiary.

The only thing sillier than “This is Birdland” is to hear Jim Hunter say it, and to truly believe it as though he were sitting in Jamaica. Do you really think anybody living near Baltimore ever says, “Honey, let’s get in the car and take the kids to Birdland?”

Ah, the kids. That’s probably who Birdland was directed toward, for there is nothing more wholesome than to be at the ballpark and see thousands of happy kids. In fact, in the 1960s when I was a member of the Junior Orioles, I can remember watching the games on TV and seeing a “Birdland ’68” banner draped across the leftfield bleachers at Memorial Stadium where the Junior Orioles’ allotted game tickets were located. I was told that if I saved the $6.50, or whatever it was, on my own, I, too, could send it in and become a Junior Oriole myself. In fact, that $6.50 went toward the first money order I ever bought, and I remember thinking as I saw all of those happy Junior Orioles at the game on my television set, “I guess their old man isn’t too cheap to go to Birdland.”

But maybe he wasn’t too cheap at all. Maybe I never got to go to Birdland on my Junior Orioles membership because it would have been too humiliating for my father to tell the guys at the bar he was going to Birdland. We’ll never know.

And speaking of birds and Baltimore, did you see the Baltimore Ravens hired a guy in Georgia to train two eight-week old ravens to fly around M&T Bank Stadium before and during home games this season? Team officials even plan to have one of the birds fly out of the tunnel players use to run onto the field.

I thought that’s why we had Ray Lewis.

Ravens flying over a stadium filled with 70,000 fans? I don’t know. I’ve been giving this a lot of thought and the thing that keeps coming back to me is the famous bird scene from Mel Brooks' “High Anxiety” (spinach dip was used for the special effect, but the way). In any event, given this latest development, I might have picked the wrong year to get Ravens season tickets in the upper deck.

And I see the trainer says he is even teaching the birds to mimic the words “touchdown,” and “Go Ravens,” as though anybody in a packed football stadium is going to be able to hear them. I don’t recall the Colts having to bring in Mr. Ed to say, “touchdown” or “Colts.” Nonetheless, what a coup (or koo) it would be for Mr. A and his ad execs if they could intercept these ravens and trick them into saying, “Come to Birdland!”

Yes, this land was made for you and me, but lose “This is Birdland.” It’s stupid and, frankly, it’s embarrassing to Orioles fans, particularly when the intruders from Sawxland and Yankland invade and overtake Camden Yards.

Mike Burke is sports editor of the Cumberland Times-News. Write to him a mburke@times-news.com.

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