Published: May 16, 2009 09:35 pm      

Gobbler season

Dear Mr. Longbeard Gobbler,

This is an invitation for you to attend a turkey party to be held just after daylight on May 6.

The festivities will take place in the green field at the mountain saddle. I know you are familiar with the location because I have seen you there. In addition, I have observed evidence you left that shows you have enjoyed dining there. It is indeed a lovely spot.

We ask that you invite other turkeys with whom you are acquainted, especially gobblers similar to your weight, 22 pounds, your beard length, 10 inches, and your spur length, 1 inch. Please bring smaller gobblers and hens as well. We plan to have a great time.

This field is large, so it may help for you to know some specifics about the party location. It will be 25 to 30 yards in front of what is known as a ground blind. When you arrive, you will notice that we have placed some lifeless lookalikes to add to the fun. There will be a fake gobbler in full strut and hens and jakes as well. We have done this to create a party atmosphere. The females are modeled after those who have appeared in your favorite magazine, “Playgobbler.” And, actually, these females really do fold in the middle.

The phony turkeys, some refer to them as decoys, but that seems to me to be a trashy sort of name, may encourage you to fight or frolic or both. The choice is yours.

As I think you already know, there is plenty to eat in the field, including dandelions, seed pods and any number and variety of bugs. Rain is anticipated in early May, so plenty of drinking water should be available in puddles.

Please pay no attention to any unwoodslike noises that may come from the ground blind, or to any very loud blasts that would emanate from within.

I will act as the DJ, so you may hear some party noises very early, while you are still roosting. These are intended to set the happy stage for the party that will enfold. The sign that the party has begun will be a flydown cackle. Then you will hear some of your favorite sounds such as yelps, cluck, purrs and whines. We have contracted with a few hens and a couple jakes to do a flyover just about what some states call the beginning of shooting time. I don't know exactly what that means. Don't worry about it.

There are some special door prizes, the best being a trip back to camp. We hope you win that one yourself.

So, in the meantime, we hope you are enjoying the mating season. You certainly sound as if you have been, all that gobbling and everything. Don't rub all the feathers off your chest before the party. There will be plenty of good times in store.

See you then.

RSVP not necessary.

Yours for springtime fun,

Mike Sawyers,

Outdoor Editor

Cumberland Times-News

Contact Outdoor Editor Michael A. Sawyers at msawyers@times-news.com.