After being married for 23 years to my first wife, and 26 years to my current-and-forever wife, I’ve become quite an expert on how men’s and women’s minds work.

It hasn’t been formal training, but certainly enough of an education that it certifies me to legally write this column!

We all know that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, and that we often speak different languages to each other, yet can be understood by members of our own planetary species with no problems at all. Which is why guys like to spend so much time in bars, and women love to talk on the phone.

The following are some examples of my exhaustive research, conducted covertly while observing females in their natural habitats, and guys drinking a bunch of beer.

Observation Scenario No. 1

WIFEY: Hon, will you take a look at my car; it’s making a weird sound.

HUBBY: What kind of sound?

WIFEY: Weird.

HUBBY: Hubby goes out to his wife’s car, starts the engine, listens to the noise, determines it’s the timing belt, buys a new belt, installs it, checks the timing and completes the assignment.

HUBBY: I fixed your car, dear.

WIFEY: You left the commode seat up again!

Observation Scenario No. 2

HUBBY: Honey, what’s for supper?

WIFEY: I don’t know, I’m kind of busy right now.

WIFEY: Wifey finishes gathering up the dirty laundry from three hampers, separates the whites, darks and colors and loads the washer. She then goes to the kitchen, checks the cupboards, refrigerator and freezer. Decides to make spaghetti. Seasons the hamburger, makes meatballs, boils water for the pasta, sets the table, breaks up two fights between her sons, cooks the spaghetti, serves the meal and sits down to eat.

HUBBY: How’s come we never have meat loaf?

Observation Scenario #3

WIFEY: We just got our invitation to my cousin Amy’s wedding in two months. Now don’t forget.

HUBBY: Right.

WIFEY: I’m going shopping for a dress to wear to Amy’s wedding.

HUBBY: Mmmphh.

WIFEY: Did you get your suit cleaned for Amy’s wedding in two weeks?

HUBBY: Don’t worry, I will.

WIFEY: Amy’s wedding is this Saturday.

HUBBY: What? You never told me!

Observation Scenario #4

HUBBY: The club’s annual golf tournament is in three weeks. I’m part of a foursome from work and I’ll probably be gone the whole day.

WIFEY: That’s nice dear.

Three weeks later.

WIFEY: Don’t forget we’re going out tomorrow night with the Baileys.

HUBBY: But that’s the golf tournament!

WIFEY: Well surely you don’t expect me to cancel going out with my best friend; it’s only a golf game … you can do that any time!

Observation Scenario #5

WIFEY: We need a new couch.

HUBBY: What’s wrong with the couch we have?

WIFEY: It’s 10 years old!

HUBBY: So is our daughter; should we get rid of her?

WIFEY: Oh stop being so dramatic! You men don’t know a thing about home fashions. I saw a perfectly lovely one on sale for $1,395 … it would look beautiful in here!

HUBBY: I didn’t spend that much for my first car! How about we buy a slipcover to put over it? I could order it on Amazon and it could be here in three days.

WIFEY: (shoots daggers from her eyes toward her husband) I’m ashamed to have anyone see that ugly old thing.

HUBBY: What would we do with the old couch?

WIFEY: Oh, we’ll just pay the extra $99 to have it hauled away.

HUBBY: (sees dollar signs with wings flying away in his mind) Fine. I know when to accept the agony of defeat.

WIFEY: Wonderful! Now that ratty old chair of yours will clash with the new sofa, so ...

Disclaimer: The writer avows that the above-written scenarios are fictional, but possibly based on real-life characters, and that if any persons, living or deceased, recognizes themselves or others, it was only marginally intentional.

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